The Case of Crabs

Friends, we are gathered here today to mark the passing of a man we all love and admire.  Americano had truly achieved the American dream:  spending his days lounging about the beach being paid to introduce nubile young women to the joys of rubber and hoses, and his nights in various clubs paying to be introduced to such joys, though in a different context, by, alas, slightly less nubile women.  His life was truly a manifestation of capitalism in its purest form.

Our friend Americano was born in crushing poverty and disgrace.  His biological parents were entirely unknown; we can only speculate that, like a salmon, his father had broken into a gynecologist’s office and ejaculated into a petri dish.  Americano quickly discovered the cruelty of children when he was subjected to names such as “Petri Face” and asked if he had yet “dish”-covered his parents.  Nevertheless, he persevered and eventually graduated college with a degree in Human Projectile Science, supplemented by a minor in Rodeo Studies.  He spent a few years putting his knowledge to use as he traveled with the Jenkem & Jaily entourage, becoming intimately familiar with small-town America, then, like so many Americans before him, headed west to find his destiny.

Like you, I was saddened but not entirely surprised to hear the means of Americano’s demise.  The creatures known as crabs are not nearly as friendly as Disney animated features would suggest; even the renowned Steve Irwin was known to advise against catching crabs.  Indeed, like Mr. Irwin, our friend Americano met his Maker under the sea.

Americano is survived by a small colony of lice.  They’ve been distributed through the pews, so each of you will be taking home a piece of Americano for your very own.  Please consider a donation to the Save Our Crabs foundation.  Thank you.

159 Comments

  1. His biological parents were entirely unknown; we can only speculate that, like a salmon, his father had broken into a gynecologist’s office and ejaculated into a petri dish.

    SCIENCE!

  2. Hey, if fish do it…

  3. Some needs to do a eulogy for the deer that just ran in front of my car. I’ve got deer poop and blood on my wrecked car. Waaaaah

  4. Ha ha ha… I’m momentarily cheered by Americano’s crabs.

  5. I’d love to fix that typo (gives wiser the evil eye) but I’m on my iPhone. Sitting in my wrecked car.

  6. I’m sorry, carin :-( Friggin’ deer. I was telling Aaron just today that the only people who get all sentimental about deer are those who have never lived someplace with deer. They are a major pest.

  7. CARIN!! Are you okay???

  8. Carin:

    http://bridgemi.com/2011/10/deer-have-michigan-on-the-run/

    You are not alone.

    :(

  9. Ha ha ha ha Peel, years ago I responded to an anti-hunting editorial that concluded with “Bambi’s tears are real.”

    AWWWW.

    I my letter I reminded these idiots that Bambi was a cartoon and not a real talking deer.

  10. Yea, just freaked out . Some guy pulled over and helped me. He had to tear off part of my car so I could drive. Now I’m just sitting here calming down . We were almost at the gym for my daughter’ s cheer stuff, so I’m just going to sit here for the hour to calm down.

  11. *HUGS*

    Yeah, chill out for a few. You gonna get a police report for the insurance?

  12. Pic of car on facechimp

  13. I don’t know… Do I need one?

  14. *shakes fist a t sky*

    I blame Mare!!!!

  15. Oh, Car in – sorry about the car; sounds like all of the occupants are OK, though, so that’s a blessing!

  16. Did anybody kill anybody else in the conservatory with the lead pipe today?

  17. At sherff’s office now.

  18. A person? With a pipe? Nope.

  19. Carin, glad that the car got between you and the deer instead of you gettibg between the car and the deer. They sell new cars. New Carins … they don’t make anymore.

    And awesome eulogy, Peel. I liked how Americano was conceived. Drive-by impregnating.

  20. Sorry about the car, C arin, but I’m glad you weren’t hurt.

  21. Gut that bitch and take it home.

  22. Heh….

    The same people who complain that low-level criminals shouldn’t be “punished” by being forced to stay in jail are OUTRAGED that when these model citizens are released, they are flocking to the OWS camp for all of the free goodies and staying to cause mischief and commit crimes….

    http://is.gd/YcXndO

  23. Glad you’re alright, Carin. Once you’ve unpuckered you should stick that critter in your backseat and take it home. It’ll be good eating now that it’s been tenderized.

  24. Goddamn deer. I’m glad you’re ok Carin.

    Couple years ago youngest ran into one on her way back to school, 70mph on a 2 lane road. I was very relieved she didn’t get hurt either.

    We didn’t have to have a police report for the insurance, they found plenty of deer residue on it to be convinced.

    >> had broken into a gynecologist’s office and ejaculated into a petri dish

    Oh well, yeah. Who hasn’t done that?

  25. Did anybody kill anybody else in the conservatory with the lead pipe today?

    A lead pipe, you say?

    *looks around at blood-stained books and candlestick lying on library floor next to Colonel Mustard’s lifeless body*

    Nope, not me……

  26. Excellent eulogies today. Especially since I outlived MJ.

  27. My brother totalled a ’69 Impala by hitting a 10 point buck as it decided to run out of a corn field and across the road. The head and one shoulder came through the windshield and barely missed him.

  28. I should drive out to Lapeer and see if I can calm Carin down.

  29. Glad to hear you are ok Car in.

  30. MJ, you’re dead. STFU

  31. . The head and one shoulder came through the windshield and barely missed him.

    Yea, I lucked out how I hit it. Right off the headlight, so it kinda bounced along the side of my car instead of flipping over top.

    Hotspur, how about you come up here and clean off the deer poop? it’s freakin everywhere.

  32. My son was really cool when I picked him up from school. Walks to the car- with football buddies all right there – MOM DID YOU HIT A DEER?

    At least he didn’t assume that I just had a fender bender.

  33. I wonder if americano knows he’s dead yet?

  34. I wonder if americano knows he’s dead yet?

    I think it’s tomorrow where Americano is so he probably figured it out yesterday.

  35. I’ll gut the deer for you, but I’m not cleaning up poop.

  36. Stupid deer. Does the deer get a eulogy? These have all been so funny.

  37. Um, so where is that deer now?

  38. One baseball team is getting a eulogy this week. Just not tonight.

  39. THE MEADOW!

    *thud*

  40. I don’t understand why baseball gets rained out.

  41. *Makes plans to hit Cabela’s for a crossbow so he can avenge Car in*

  42. Pussies.

  43. Is anyone else watching “American Horror Story”? I’m catching up now. The realtor on the show had a great line about how the real estate market “isn’t going to recover until 2013 after we vote that bum out!”.

    I did a standing ovation in my living room.

  44. 1. Who is Hotspur?
    2. Get me Hotspur.
    3. Get me a Hotspur look alike.
    4. Get me a younger looking Hotspur.
    5. Who is Hotspur?

  45. Look, if you just purchase this simple upgrade, I guarantee you it will solve all of your system problems…

    :)

    You actually solve system problems by putting a sledge hammer to the servers and starting over.

  46. Car in, I had the same kind of deer accident myself in San Antonio. Deer went sideways, not into the windshield. Nobody hurt, but lots of body work on the car.

  47. Put the toad down Hotspur.

  48. Has anyone ever run into Rosetta? I bet he can do some damage.

  49. Has anyone ever run into Rosetta? I bet he can do some damage

    Weren’t you paying attention?

    He’s dead, Jim.

  50. Apparently he is softer than he looks http://i.imgur.com/hy8HE.jpg

  51. **tries to unobtrusively scratch self

  52. Pupster, you owe me a new keyboard…..

  53. Well, I asked DD#3 if her young man would send us an e-mail telling us more about himself; I must say, I feel a WHOLE lot better! They aren’t planning on getting married right away; he wants to be more financially stable, and he is willing to do whatever it takes to make sure that she and their future family are taken care of.

    What a relief….

  54. Great eulogies. Carin I’m glad you are ok. Sorry about your car

  55. Well done eulogy Peelie!!

    I’ve never had lice. True statement.

  56. Carin!!!!

    Whew, you are aging me before my time!

    So, so glad you’re okay!

  57. Oh, and Mrs. Peel, great job…smart and funny…KNOCK IT OFF!!!

  58. I’ve had lice.

  59. Eulogy for Car in’s deer:

    Muthafuck had that shit comin’.

    Fin!!!

  60. Lice are a leading economic indicator. Google it.

  61. “I did a standing ovation in my living room.”

    I’m going to buy you a sugar free drink, Leon!

  62. Lice are a leading economic indicator. Google it.

    NO!! You’re not my real Dad and you can’t make me!!

  63. Glad you are okay, Carin.

  64. Mare! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EyZgT-p4qT4

  65. I’ve just completed 2.5 hours of driving for a 1 minute appointment. One stinking minute.

    Anyone care to join me in a beverage?

  66. Cyn is such a spoiled brat!

  67. Hotspur, I remember those lines about Ricardo Montalban.

  68. Bandit kicked ass on that ice.

    Scott, look, I’m just going to email you my daughters’ email addresses because every link you send me my kids LOVE!!!!

    I believe in cutting out the middle man. Wait….that’s…

  69. Cyn, is this about your shingly eye?

  70. Just for that, I’m not putting ice in your chardonnay Hotspur.

  71. Roamie, I saw Jack Elam say that sequence about himself years ago and I lold. Never forgot it.

  72. thanks y’all. Glad you enjoyed.

    Btw, the reason I did the petri dish thing was that when thinking about how to insultingly describe Americano’s imaginary childhood, everything I thought of was derogatory toward his parents, and then I thought, “Wait a minute. These are real people. Dorothy Mantooth is a SAINT!” and decided to go with the salmon image instead.

    Y’all did notice that Americano went to clown college, right? And did the soft option with the hard landing? Hahaha.

  73. No, it was work work, Mare. I had to exchange a settlement check for a release form and the woman lived 10,000 miles away. I did take Sparky with me as company for the ride, which was kinda cool.

  74. I’m going to buy you a sugar free drink, Leon!

    Woo!

  75. Jack Elam?? The wall-eyed guy?

    I’m not sure who creeped me out more when I was younger, him or Jack Palance.

  76. “Rodeo Studies” was one of my faves, Mrs. Peel!

  77. Mare, that line, in the middle of a dramatic horror show, was the boldest television I’ve seen in years. The worm is turning, he’s becoming Carter.

  78. “I did take Sparky with me as company for the ride, which was kinda cool”

    Well, very nice bonding time.

  79. Jack Palance

    {{shivers and shudders}}

  80. Shorter Bandit:

    http://tinyurl.com/2e6xvcu

  81. I was on the road all day, but I don’t mind when I go to see these people.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aY5gmgtoxiI

  82. CARTER!!!!!!

    DIE ZOMBIE DIE!!!

  83. Carter and Obama have done more to advance the Caliphate than any self-identified Muslims ever have.

  84. More wine, Mare?

    http://tinyurl.com/3gau9cj

  85. I watched that , leon , when I was working out. Kind shocked hey lobbed one at the scoamf but it wasn’t exactly one of their sympathetic characters who uttered that line. I don’t think we’re supposed to like the real estate agent.

  86. Insurance bs done. $500 deductable. Insurance guy should be here in a few days.

  87. Scott, my allergies acted up on your link. Awwww.

  88. I have more sympathy for the realtor than any of the main characters. They all kinda have this coming.

  89. I’m chalking the whole thing up to conicidence, CArIn.

  90. Passes Cyn a drink.

  91. Leon, I’m not so sure about that show. The husband is such a pussy/ass I don’t know how much more I can take.

  92. More wine, Mare?
    http://tinyurl.com/3gau9cj

    HAHAHA…You rat bastard!

  93. I just walked by Occupy Memphis. It was pretty sad only about 30 people. I did see one of them that was up-twinkling. There’s really nothing more sad than a lone twinkler.

  94. Carin, don’t do that again, thanks!

  95. If they keep showing the young maid, I’ll keep watching.

  96. RFH he is the most amazing person I have ever met.
    http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/33193728#33193728

    His chairs are now 4 wheel drive, and will go places that Jeeps can’t.

  97. Watching Captain America

  98. Thanks Mare, but I have no interest in their email addresses.

    I’m in love with my spouse.

    It may be weird, but that’s how it is.

  99. Sohos, I loved Captain America.

  100. Scott, he sounds like a mafioso (I kept thinking he was going to say, “I gotta an offer you can’t refuse), but wow, what a way to make a difference in the world.

  101. Got the “new” dining room table and chairs today. Seats 6 without the leaf! Solid cherry with some nicks/scratches, but nothing that cannot be rectified.

  102. MCPO, just in time for the holidays.

  103. Sohos, I should receive my copy that I ordered of Captain America any day now. Terrific movie!!!

  104. Roamy – That was the plan. We are going to have a house-full this year!
    Very similar to this: http://tinyurl.com/3wqmmly except it also has 2 leafs and will seat 10 comfortably.

  105. Looks similar to mine, except only one leaf. Mr. RFH had to reinforce the drop leaf supports from too many years of people leaning hard.

  106. Just for that, I’m not putting ice in your chardonnay Hotspur.

    You really put ice in chardonnay?

    That kinda makes you a genuine member of the Trailer Trash Club™.

  107. I put ice in merlot in the Summertime. It’s awesome.

  108. I put ice in merlot in the Summertime.

    You shouldn’t say really embarrassing stuff like that in public.

  109. evenin homos

  110. >.> I’m still alive!

    … possibly a somewhat unfortunate choice of words on this post.

  111. Wine is often better on ice. It’s not my fault they invented the stuff before they invented freezers and so now every self-made wine snob is haughtily locked into a rigid set of beliefs about how it should be drunk. It’s naught but class-signaling twaddle for those lacking in conviction and individuality.

    Real classy folk do it with verbosity.

  112. Evening DaveinPicante

  113. Ca rin,
    Are they gonna get you a loaner while the van is getting repaired? Looks like it will take two, maybe three days, including paint. You can’t be without wheels for that long with all the taxi duties you have taken on..

  114. CB it is a great movie but I have to finish it tomorrow. I was too tired to keep watching. Good night all

  115. Hey Revvy, hope you’re doing well!

    Night all!

  116. nite Sohos

  117. Thanks Peel :) I’m doing fine, except that my muscle relaxants are finally kicking in and I think I need to go have myself a little coma about now. Just wanted to pop in and let everyone know that I haven’t completely forgotten y’all exist. Nighty, will prolly be on again when I’m less medicated.

  118. nite Peelie.

    Hi Revvy, glad you are still alive.

  119. nite Revvy.

    Man, can I put chicks to sleep or what?

  120. Nite, sohos

  121. You truly have a gift, Dave.

  122. Hi, Revvy!
    Bye, Revvy!

    I was just wondering where you’d gotten off to – glad you’re still around ~

  123. I have skills.

    Carin did you get the deer poop off your wheels?

  124. We’re off to bed as well –
    Catch ya’ll manana…..

  125. I thought this was pretty interesting, but then, I’m easily amused…
    http://www.strangepolitics.com/content/item/179160.html

  126. I have the day off tomorrow. . . I’m thinking laundry and baking some baguettes.

  127. Chrispy, that guy knows how to swing the clue bat.

  128. “They’ve been distributed through the pews, so each of you will be taking home a piece of Americano for your very own.”

    (wipes tear from corpse eye) It’s like she KNEW what my final wishes would be.

    Honored to have you do me, Peel.

  129. >> baking some baguettes.

    Aren’t those golf clubs?

  130. MCPO,
    We got all the laundry (white & colored) done today. Tomorrow is open for baguettes, what recipe do you use?
    Never done that.

  131. Jewstin,
    He can’t tell them how to vote, but the “Clue Bat” is strong in this one…

  132. In my 2 + years of unemployment I have applied to over 1000 jobs in Fl, Tx, and La.

    I have never received even a rejection notice.

    However applying to 4 jobs in ND I have received 2 rejections and 2 requests for more information!

    Hope is in ND

    or living under a bridge in FL.

    I might be mistaken there are 12 Indians 6 medicine men 3 chief’s and 1 Phoenix partying in my driveway.

  133. The bonfire is rather large, I think I saw my furniture!
    Marshmallows roasting over my couch! I will kill you Phoenix!
    Rat Bastage!

  134. I want one of Vmax’s martinis.

  135. Or six.

  136. Pours Vermouth in a martini glass. *dumps it out*
    Fills with Vodka and a onion stuffed olive, Here you are Jew!
    You need a dozen to catch up. I think.

  137. You’re the best Vmax.

  138. Ridicule me if you want, but my new drink of choice is sweet vermouth – straight from the bottle.

    Hey Michael, suck my empty vermouth bottle.

  139. My new drink of choice is free coffee. Membership in AA has its benefits.

  140. Thanks ‘Cano. Glad you enjoyed :-)

  141. My new drink of choice is free coffee. Membership in AA has its benefits.

    WHAT? Free … coffee … the lure … is too strong …

    if they offer real cream, i’m sold.

  142. wakey wakey

  143. I have never received even a rejection notice.

    :(

    Sends v-man the following rejection notice:

    Dear V-Man,

    No, I will not send you a framed, autographed picture of my ass. You’ll have to download the .JPG file and print it out yourself, just like everyone else.

    Love,
    Car in

    Hope that helps

  144. e they gonna get you a loaner while the van is getting repaired? Looks like it will take two, maybe three days, including paint. You can’t be without wheels for that long with all the taxi duties you have taken on..

    Yes, we did get loaner dealo for that car, since it is the “family” transport vehicle. We knew if it went down, I’d have to rent something.

    I get $30 a day, which is ok. I should be able to make do.

  145. Carin, don’t do that again, thanks!

    Ok, Mare. But only because you asked nicely.

    So far, for those keep track – I’ve hit a goose and a deer with this car.

  146. Carin did you get the deer poop off your wheels?

    No. Hotspur never showed up.

  147. The animals in Michigan talk about your death machine with fear and respect.

  148. Seeing as how you have to get the minivan repainted here is an idea for a color scheme

    http://tinyurl.com/3oecw82

  149. Really Glad you’re OK, Ms. Ca r in!

  150. Seeing as how you have to get the minivan repainted here is an idea for a color scheme

    Do NOT send that link to my husband.

    The animals in Michigan talk about your death machine with fear and respect.

    Ha ha ha … as well they should.

  151. Really Glad you’re OK, Ms. Ca r in!

    thanks sox. It’s really all in how you hit ’em. You have to kinda sideswipe them, versus a full frontal assault.

    See, I did it wrong with the goose, which is why I was too close to having the damn thing end up in my lap.

    As a hunter, I’m learning.

  152. Srsly, glad everyone is ok.

  153. There really are better weapons for hunting. Cars are terribly inefficient.

  154. There really are better weapons for hunting. Cars are terribly inefficient.

    You hunt your way, I’ll hunt mine.

    Don’t judge me.

  155. Happy Diaper Needs Awareness Day!

  156. *judges Carin*

  157. *drinks coffee*

    *wonders why wife left light on on back of barn*

    *hopes he’ll remember to turn off the damn light when he leaves for work because it’ll be too bright to notice that it’s on by then*

  158. *drinks coffee*

  159. *finishes coffee

    *Looks at empty cup.

    sigh.


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