GMLand – Born ???…Died 2011

Mr. “GMLAND”  was called to his eternal rest this week after losing a
battle with a sexually transmitted disease which plagued him since his
first sleep-over camp with his beloved Boy Scouts, where he earned the
“secret spelunking” badge.  “It’s the damndest thing” his attending
physician, Dr. Greasedfist (who was by GMLAND’s side when he passed)
said, “Even his anal herpes had their own crabs, which themselves were
infested with Chlamydia.  The guys down in Autopsy are gonna need
their Hazmat suits.”

He was the eldest son of Thomas R.O.  and Candace Land, who although
Southern Baptists, were actually literate, but uncreative, as attested
to by his sister Gal F. Land.  “He was the artiste in the family.  As
a teenager, he wanted us to call him, you know, the French way, like
‘ghee.’  He was so out-there…”

As a child, he was a loner, preferring to play only with his beloved
pet whom his father named “Dog.”  Dog and he were inseparable, made
that way when he ran out of clarified butter and accidentally
substituted rubber cement instead of honey  when helping Dog earn his
“secret canine spelunking” ASPCA merit badge right after puberty.

Disowned, he set out on his own at 12, making his way to California,
where he ran into, and quickly fell in love with, a pop star.
GMLAND’s advances went unanswered:  “When will you want to see me
naked, Michael?”  “Never, Land.”  And thus the pop star both named and
created the only rule his kid-playground would ever have.

Dejected, he returned to his native Tennessee and mistakenly met and
fell in love with his first wife Priscilla, when trying to find the
home of his cousin, Grace.  Priscilla taught him to draw.  They
subsequently divorced when she innocently agreed to let him draw a
picture of his childhood pet ‘just the way I remember him most
fondley.’

Angry, he spent the next few years drawing sex dungeons and rape
rooms, a hobby which became his profession when he graduated Magna Cum
Everywhere  from the Seemy Valley Community College with a certificate
in Architecture (and a coupon for half off his next oil change).

He spent the next few years traveling Europe; making it to Iceland,
Finland and Greenland.  Out of money, he settled in Poland “it’s where
I belong” he thought.  While in poverty, he did some “modeling” for
money and recreation and met many large breasted she-cows, whom he and
his internet “friends” later would exploit every Friday.

Explosive hemorrhoids and prolapse killed his “male (on male) modeling
career” and he was forced to retire with a worker’s comp stipend,
which he spent exclusively on anal plugs.

GMLAND was survived by nobody.  He died alone, with an asshole the
size of a pothole on the Jersey turnpike.  It is unlikely he will ever
be remembered, let alone missed, and this Obituary is a giant waste of
time.

– Americano

59 Comments

  1. Poor Guy.

  2. Funny ‘Cano.
    herpes had their own crabs, which themselves were
    infested with Chlamydia.

    Made me wipe my screen.

  3. There’s a buck in my yard right at this moment. Eating the leaves off of the raspberry bushes. dogs just saw him.

  4. Holder’s DOJ in action.

    crap, there’s another deer out there.

    WTF.

  5. Is it hunting season Car in?
    I will loan you my Weatherby, that will fix the problem.

  6. I believe it’s bow season.

  7. Bow season works and will not upset your neighbors. Think about all the free Bambi Burgers you will have!

  8. They are healthy, sustainable, you will be protecting the environment and alleviating hunger not to mention reforming factory farms. All with 1 little arrow

  9. HAHAHAHAHAHAH! Great job Americano!!

  10. I laughed…

    I cried…

    I reloaded.

    Well done Americano. The parts that were almost legible came across somewhat amusing. Please take $1.79 out of petty cash for your efforts and meet me and my cousins, Disney, Wonder and Candy behind the mall for your ass whoopin’!

  11. Newt in Iowa on Lincoln-Douglas style debates with Obama: “I’d let Obama have a teleprompter… y’know, just to be fair.”

    Heh, good one, Newt!

  12. Seemy Valley Community College

    What a coincidence; I believe Wiser graduated from the “Semen Valley Community College”…..

    +10,000 “Cano – ya done good!

  13. Good Morning Giggle.

    Kudos Americano.

  14. HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHRISPY!

  15. I woke up at 5:45 for this?

  16. “When will you want to see me naked, Michael?” “Never, Land.” And thus the pop star both named and created the only rule his kid-playground would ever have.

    I am STILL laughing!!!

  17. The Original H2 Eulogy poat has been unstickied. Sue me.

  18. and a coupon for half off his next oil change

    This made me LOL in my underpants.

    Good morning.

  19. Sue me

    *looks up number for Dewey, Cheatham and Howe*

  20. >> Even if she gave you her permission?

    Oh that’s just like her, she’d say “yes” just to get another woman to wear me out with all her girl bullshit.

    She’d probably laugh.

    ha ha ha …

    srly, though, I could use a wife. Mrs. Cuffy isn’t returning my calls .

  21. like I believe you call anybody.

    no sale toots.

  22. no sale toots.

    I made a call JUST THIS MORNING regarding some store stuff. Had to verify that I was the owner – which I am – and that I wanted that forklift I signed for.

    And now I’ve got a new forklift. How cool is that?

    *gives Dave “the forklift”

  23. Forklifts are cool, unless everyone in the whole damn machine shop stops what they are doing to watch you drive it.

    **says Shepard prayer

  24. Wow, that was brutal. Good morning.

  25. Forklifts are fun! You haven’t lived until you muscled around a mobile mine with a 20K articulated forklift in the back of a C-141 Starlifter!

  26. Americano does a drive by funny!

  27. So this is what we get out of our military work in Libya?

    http://tinyurl.com/3vbqen3

    FU Obama….you’re an idiot.

  28. MCPO, was the mobile mine plugged in? You should plug it in.

  29. OK, time for my workout. If you have a minute, read this: http://tinyurl.com/45xx6fh

    Someone doesn’t understand the impact of the barbarity preached in the current incarnation of fundamentalist islam.

  30. Hola, Bitches. And GMLand.

  31. And Candy is your mother, not your cousin, dummy.

  32. Like your map, HotStuff…

  33. And we’re off to a rousing start!

    Nicely done, Americano.

  34. >> *gives Dave “the forklift”

    You called them, but you hated it.

    *emails you my phone number for the 40th time

  35. heh, nice work, Americano. *steals ideas*

  36. You called them, but you hated it.

    *emails you my phone number for the 40th time

    One day, I’ll get really drunk and call you. The conversation will be profound.

    {drunk dials dave]

    Daaaavvvveee …… davveeeee?? I’ts MMEEEE … car in. daavvveeee….

    *click

    {rings dave back]

    Davvveee , I think you accidentally hung up on me ….

  37. hahahahahaha.

    You’ll hang up before the second ring. Just like suicide, there’s always a couple of bullet holes in the wall first.

  38. *looks up number for Dewey, Cheatham and Howe*

    Bitch. Did I ask the Royal Navy to protect our nation and make it safe for the communists, anarachists, and islamists that are currently giving it the Joe Biden treatment because we didn’t pass Spendulous 10?

    __________________________
    *Hands Gland lidociane, Preparation H, and a Fifth of bourbon.*

    This won’t make it stop hurting, but if you take it all, you might find that you don’t care. Daddy only hurts you ’cause he loves you.

  39. what an awful night!

    http://tinyurl.com/3ucebrm

  40. what an awful night!

    Bwahahahahaha!

  41. *blinks a few times*

    Where’d it go??

  42. Carin is a good little citizen.

  43. There it is.

  44. Let me be clear. Like I have always said, a … ummm … chicken in every pot. Or something.

  45. You guys should be following my lead.

  46. THAT’S RACIST!

  47. The next eulogy will be up here shortly. Should I push it out until 1:30 or 2:00 pm?

  48. Guess everyone’s still seeping.

  49. I have one scheduled for 5pm, but I can change it to whatever.

  50. The next eulogy will be up here shortly. Should I push it out until 1:30 or 2:00 pm?

    – – – – –

    what do I care? I’m like, already ugugolied and shit.

  51. yannow, I don;t usually yell at the radio, but….

    http://tinyurl.com/5uzgtpk

    GET OUT OF MY LIFE, YOU FUCKS!!!!

    Nothing else is going on here in this state, so this is what we have to focus on.

    Big surprise, it’s a Democrat pushing this. But remember, it’s the Republicans that want to control your life…..

  52. Guess everyone’s still seeping.

    ew.

  53. Are we publishing our victim eulogies or is someone posting them for us? I’ve been away.

  54. Hotspur, much like xbrad it’s now a self-service dealio.

  55. Um, you guys know that the next poat is up right?

  56. You schedule it at the appropriate time Hotspur.

  57. last!
    may he rest in fist!

  58. I edited this post to add the H2 Eulogy category tag. (That was the only change.)


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