Worst Things To Tell Your Kids

Listen, looking both ways before you cross the street is a waste of time.

275 Comments

  1. Here, feed the chimp a banana

  2. You can always trust a man driving a windowless van.

  3. Who cares if his nose just fell off, he’s magic!

  4. Pull my finger.

  5. Sometimes when a man and a woman love each other, they pee on one another.

  6. Plastics, Benjamin, plastics.

  7. Stop, drop and panic then run around a lot.

  8. The best candy comes from unmarked vans. Don’t forget!

  9. Here, pose with Mickey.

  10. Honey, it’s the first day of middle school. Shouldn’t your skirt show a little of your ass?

  11. Remember, the less clothes that Uncle wiserbud wears when you’re alone, the more he loves you.

  12. Honey, find out why that racoon is foaming at the mouth.

  13. Brushing your teeth is for faggots, son.

  14. Reading is fundamental. Fundamental if you’re a fag.

  15. When mommy’s been drinking don’t EVER call 911.

  16. Exercise is for suckers.

  17. Daddy hits Mommy because you cry.

  18. When mommy’s been drinking don’t EVER call 911.

    Hahahahahaha.

  19. When mommy’s taking a nap, keep it down and play in the pool.

  20. Be sure to count your dick each night.

  21. Why finish high school when there’s a perfectly good strip club down the street.

  22. Earn a dollar, drop a dime….. an awkward variant of earn a dollar, save a dime.

  23. Don’t talk shit about Total!

  24. KKA, where are you?

  25. The following is a presentation of The Rosetta Community Theater.

    Daughter: Daddy, why does it rain?

    Father: Because God is sad, honey.

    Daughter: Daddy, why is God sad?

    Father: Because you’re a girl and he wanted you to be a boy.

    Fin.

  26. Sitting in community theater building;

    BRAVO, BRAVO!

  27. Eat your vegetable or no farm porn for you tonight!

  28. Go ahead son, wear your Mom’s underwear to school. The kids in gym class will understand.

  29. Wash your hands after burying the body.

  30. Go ahead son, wear your Mom’s underwear to school. The kids in gym class will understand.”

    LOL

  31. Son, let me show you on this Elmo doll where it feels really good if a stranger touches you.

  32. That whole firsts cousins thing is just a guideline.

  33. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but racial slurs are hilarious.

  34. That whole firsts fists cousins thing is just a guideline.

    FTFY

  35. “Sticks and stones may break your bones, but racial slurs are hilarious.”

    HAHAHAHAHAH LOL

  36. I know you’re only 7 but if you don’t get a job and make some fucking money, the government is going to kill mommy.

  37. Dating carnival roadies might be a good experience.

  38. “Sometimes when a man and a woman love each other, they pee on one another.”

    Rosetta, sometimes you make me laugh so hard and so long my husband thought I was orgasming.

  39. Dry cleaning bags are a lot of fun. Use your imagination.

  40. OT, sorry, but you gotta love Steyn:

    [UPDATE: Instead of “enemy combatants”, how about “future Facebook friends”? On the other hand, it’s still way too “military” for some tastes.]

  41. “Go ahead son, wear your Mom’s underwear to school. The kids in gym class will understand.”

    xbrad, is that autobiographical?

  42. Sean’s funny tonight.

  43. Call me when you get to your friend’s house…..and tell me what she’s wearing.

  44. Okay, one more bedtime story and then it’s sleepy time.

    Once upon a time there were some

    http://tinyurl.com/c2obk5

  45. Rosetta, sometimes you make me laugh so hard and so long my husband thought I was orgasming.

    Hahahaha. Does he fear for his life?

    xoxoxoxoxo

  46. No, Mare. It isn’t. I had an almost surreally normal childhood.

    Honey, your mom has cramps, so she wants you to help me with something…

  47. Nah, I think he’s over the hump now.

  48. Eat your vegetables or I’m going to go radio active on your ass.

  49. Ok, your curfew is 4am. If you’re going to be later than that then you should sleep in the park.

  50. No one will notice that your jockeys are pink. All the moms make mistakes with the white load.

  51. Sweetheart, no one will notice you’re wearing your sisters cheerleading shoes.

  52. Daddy, why do my Lincoln Logs smell like fish?

    Go ask your mom.

  53. Nah, I think he’s over the hump now.

    Your hubby gets to fuck LauraW?

  54. Just say no….unless it’s enough cash.

  55. Here’s $100 for food for the next couple of months.

    And remember, whatever doesn’t kill you might get you a new doll so let’s stop crying, okay?

  56. Condom? Son, that’s why they invented penecillin.

  57. Hahaha xBrad. No.

  58. Sometimes, when daddies and mommies stop loving each other, it’s because of something you did.

  59. Sweetie, here’s a couple of phone books would you drive mommy to the liquor store?

  60. Honey, I’m sure Chris Brown is a good boy.

    You go out and have a good time.

  61. Always eat dessert first. Oh, wait a minute…

  62. Nobody likes a tattletale. Especially not the police. So don’t tell them about daddy’s stash.

  63. He hit you?

    Well, you probably deserved it.

  64. When at the zoo, if you want to have fun disregard the fences and leave dog food in your pocket.

    Too wordy???

  65. Honey, me not being at your ballet recital will teach you that no one cares about you and besides, you always can make money in porn when you’re older.

  66. Don’t ever throw the first punch….when fighting a girl.

    A rip off from Rosetta’s Chris Brown advice.

  67. When at the zoo, if you want to have fun disregard the fences and leave dog food in your pocket.

    Hahahahahaha.

  68. Comment by PattyAnn on March 15, 2009 12:40 am

    No one will notice that your jockeys are pink. All the moms make mistakes with the white load.

    Don’t dodge the ‘white load’. MONEY IN THE BANK.

  69. Phat, you completely misconstrued me 🙂

  70. You’re pregnant because you don’t swallow.

  71. The following is a presentation of The Rosetta Community Theater.

    Son: Daddy, I can’t find my gerbil.

    wiserbud: Son, sometimes pets have to go to heaven.

    Son: Daddy, what’s heaven like?

    wiserbud: It’s warm and dark and smelly.

    Fin.

  72. Honey, daddy’s out of work because he got drunk at the Christmas party and announced loudly that the boss’s wife has a nice rack and he would “do her” for free.

  73. Kids, remember what grandpa always said: “GET OFF MY LAWN YOU FUCKING KIDS!!!!”

  74. Sweetheart, daddy’s meth lab is just a hobby.

  75. You should put out on the first date, honey, that way he knows you think he’s special.

  76. Eating these crayons will make you grow up to be big and strong.

  77. Honey, daddy’s gone because his new wife has a great rack.

  78. Mommy’s busy entertaining “guests” so go play with the stuff under the kitchen sink.

  79. Look before you leap into that cheap pool filled with jello wearing only your bathing suit bottoms.

  80. Sweetie, learning to sew is a valuable skill ….because I’m sick of buying your fat ass new clothes.

  81. Why don’t you try dancing around this pole?

  82. Honey, the more boys that you sleep with, the more popular you’ll be.

  83. Those sores on your peepee will clear up on their own.

  84. Put down those Legos right now and pack Daddy a new bowl or I will tan your hide!!

  85. Picking up hitchhikers is a good way to meet new people.

  86. Those sores on your peepee will clear up on their own.

    Hahahahahahahaha. Mare, you have skillz tonight.

  87. When picking a college the drop out rate will tell you how fun the school is. Go for it.

  88. Honey, a lady always sucks and licks the hot dog before she eats it.

  89. Honey, take that big dog’s food away and let’s see what happens.

  90. When you’re hitchhiking to see mommy, you can always shower in a truck stop.

  91. Smoking is bad for your health, but it will take away the smell of the dead bodies.

  92. Sometimes in gym class, the teacher will need to touch your “special place”.

  93. Daddy’s busy right now. Here, go play with this gun.

  94. Of course you can go to camp “Iwannakillya.”

  95. Because your birthday is close to Christmas, that means God and Santa both hate you.

  96. You people are seriously sick.

    Funny, but very very sick.

    And disturbed – psychologically.

  97. That makeup makes you look like a whore. Go with it.

  98. Honey, when xbrad says “let’s play doctor.” Run, run like you’ve never run before.

    Wait, that’s pretty good advice.

  99. Yes, sweetie, the Paris Hilton line for Little Skanks is very flattering.

    A blatant rip off of Sean M

  100. Sometimes, when a man loves a woman, they invite your teacher over for drinks and then see where things go from there.

  101. When interviewing for a job, honey, don’t sit like a lady if your boss is a man.

  102. 2 + 2 = 5 and anyone that tells you differently secretly wants to kill you.

  103. Should have been:

    LiL’ Skanks.

    Damn it.

  104. Sometime when a man loves a woman, the man will reach inside the woman and try to grab true love.

  105. Talking to strangers can be fun and lucrative.

  106. Honey, your baby sitter, mother and I will be having a little private talk in our bedroom – just play quietly and ignore the noise.

  107. “Sometime when a man loves a woman, the man will reach inside the woman and try to grab true love.”

    What?????

  108. If you wanna date a guy named Rosie, that’s OK with me.

  109. Smoking will stunt your growth, but I don’t want to have to buy you new clothes for 3rd grade, so here’s another pack.

  110. The best way to learn German is from this sheisse film that you mother and I made when she was pregnant with you.

  111. It’s ok to date soldiers, but Marines are the ones you want to fuck.

    Ok, so I stole it – it’s still funny..

  112. Honey, before you blow out the candles make a wish…because that’s the only way you’re getting a present.

  113. What?????

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!

  114. Sweetheart use the urban dictionary to write your paper.

  115. Honey, sometimes enemas are for medical reasons and sometimes they’re because momma and daddy love each other.

  116. Sweetheart use the urban dictionary to write your paper.

    Hahahahahahaha!!

  117. Rosetta, quick, how many indians?

  118. Son, when a girl says “No”, she really means “harder!”

  119. Sometimes, daddies express their love for mommies by chaining mommies in their basements and inviting leather-clad strangers over to do those things you saw.

  120. 8 INDIANS!!!!

  121. Why is this thread filed under man-lesbians?

  122. Come show daddy just how much you love him.

    Son.

  123. Listen, if you don’t take the trash out in the next 5 minutes, I’m going to spank you and not in the way that I make you watch me spank mommy.

  124. You are the only group of people I’ve been around while I’m sober and they’re drunk and they’re still funny.

  125. Mare, quick, how may Indians??

  126. You are the only group of people I’ve been around while I’m sober and they’re drunk and they’re still funny.

    There is nothing worse than being around drunk people when you’re sober. I can’t handle it. I would kick my own ass.

  127. Daddy’s fingers

    It had to be said.

  128. When daddies and their “massage therapists” do that, you don’t tell mommy if you know what’s good for you.

  129. It’s normal to bleed from your vagine.

    IF YOU’RE THE DEVIL!!!!

  130. “There is nothing worse than being around drunk people when you’re sober. I can’t handle it. I would kick my own ass.”

    Truly, it’s the worst, except for this place. Humor above the “I love you, man” stage.

  131. What happens in the dark, stays in the dark…

  132. Honey, yes, I think Scientology is a worth while “religion.”

  133. When a priest asks you to help him pour the communion wine in the vestment room, do it.

  134. When Daddy loves his friend Bob and Mommy’s out of town, you shut your whore mouth if you know what’s good for you.

    *sets teddy bear on fire*

  135. Billy, have you ever seen a grown man naked?

  136. “When Daddy loves his friend Bob and Mommy’s out of town, you shut your whore mouth if you know what’s good for you.”

    *sets teddy bear on fire*

    HAHAHAHAHAHA

    stupid teddy bear

  137. If the cops ask, these syringes are yours.

  138. Sometimes when mommies and daddies love each other, they sue each other, try to have each other arrested and live in separate houses with other people.

  139. When PJM tells you she has a stomach ache, go get the doctor and boil some water.

  140. Honey, you’re almost eight, why don’t you have bigger boobs?

  141. “If the cops ask, these syringes are yours.”

    LOL

    “Sometimes when mommies and daddies love each other, they sue each other, try to have each other arrested and live in separate houses with other people.”

    Priceless

  142. When KKA’s cat foams at the mouth, just shoot it.

  143. Princess, when I said I was getting some new pussy, I didn’t mean you could have a cat.

  144. Hey, we did pretty well. Is everyone calling it a night?

  145. The following is a presentation of The Rosetta Community Theater.

    Timmy: *puts “powdered sugar” on his French toast*

    Daddy: *upstairs, opens sock drawer*……WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!

    *Daddy runs downstairs*

    Timmy: MommythisisthebestfuckingFrenchtoastEVAR!!!Ifuckingloveit!!!!!

    Daddy: Timmy, were you in Daddy’s sock drawer?

    Timmy: Dude…chill out. *whips out 9mm*

    Fin.

  146. First Community Theater I had to really think about to get.

  147. RCT is deep. Hahahahaha.

  148. Son, someday you’ll get your GED and fix our air conditioner.

  149. Sometimes out of the blue I remember funny lines people have said here and laugh out loud. For example:

    “SFW, if you want to get fired.”

  150. Honey, the best way to learn about sex is reading the Hostages.

  151. That is, if you’re a sick, bastard psycho.

  152. Okay, I’m Fin.

    Nite Mare.

    http://tinyurl.com/ak5h3j

  153. My husband and daughter are watching Saving Private Ryan, what a downer. I’ll be weeping tonight.

  154. Nite, Rosetta. Sweet dreams.

  155. When the election is over, I promise I’ll get you a puppy.*

    *Mostly applies to Barack Obama.

  156. That’s a movie that always makes me cry. But then, so is The Sound of Music.

  157. I’ll be weeping tonight.

    The end of that movie, where the elderly Pvt Ryan asks his wife to tell him he’s a good man, always makes me weep like a little schoolgirl

  158. http://tinyurl.com/au8qxx

    Rosetta?

  159. That’s a movie that always makes me cry. But then, so is The Sound of Music.

    Uh…anybody else want to pick that low-hanging fruit? Jewstin?

  160. Mare?

    Sean?

    Anyone?

  161. Nope,

    Saving Private Ryan makes me cry.

    I had two great uncles that got killed in WWII.

    I always think about the family they never had.

    After my grandads two brothers were killed we didn’t have another family member in the service until me.

  162. Just about all my uncles were in the big war. Dad was just a bit too young. All of them came through more or less intact. One at Pearl Harbor, one at Normandy, and Dad’s brother at Okinawa on a destroyer.

  163. So I cry during a lot of movies. Big deal. It isn’t like I cry in real life.

    Much.

  164. WTF? Is it “hide from XbradTC” nite? Sox?

  165. *sniffs armpit*

    *wrinkles nose*

    Huh. Doesn’t seem that bad.

  166. *wipes nose on sleeve*

    The left me. Just like that time Mom and Dad “forgot” me at the gas station when we were driving across the country.

    True story.

  167. Shit. “They left me…”

  168. Excellent. “Operation Make Brad Cry” is now complete.

  169. Sox is happy sean.

  170. Wow, the things you miss when you go to bed.

  171. Recap of March 14, 2009. About a bijillion comments spread over 4.0027 threads. So much to discuss: topics ranging from swimming pools by the ocean to cleaning kids’ rooms to weight loss/gain. Hell, WP even dropped by talking of sunsets, special moments and quilts. The day ended with a joke thread that, remarkably, stayed on topic except for a few OT comments (you know who you are, losers). So to honor the occasion, the 10 funniest “Worst Things to Tell Your Kids.”

    10. Sean M: “You can always trust a man driving a windowless van.”
    9. Elliott: “Who cares if his nose just fell off, he’s magic!”
    8. Rosetta: “Sometimes when a man and a woman love each other, they pee on one another.”
    7. Rosetta: “Remember, the less clothes that Uncle wiserbud wears when you’re alone, the more he loves you.”
    6. XBrad: “Daddy hits Mommy because you cry.”
    5. Mare: “That whole firsts cousins thing is just a guideline.”
    4. Phat: “You’re pregnant because you don’t swallow.”
    3. Rosetta: “The best way to learn German is from this sheisse film that you mother and I made when she was pregnant with you.”
    2. SeanM: “Sometimes, daddies express their love for mommies by chaining mommies in their basements and inviting leather-clad strangers over to do those things you saw.”
    1. XBrad: “Princess, when I said I was getting some new pussy, I didn’t mean you could have a cat.”

    Your Sunday: You will dive but not enjoy it and sadly enjoy a can of spaghettios for lunch.

  172. I probably missed it, but where is Miss Tat flying off to? Is there anything smaller than an Antonov An-225 can handle her shoe collection? I fear for the aviation industry. They will never be the same after Miss Tat gets done with ’em

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antonov_An-225

  173. Oh, and ‘Hey Miss Folly’.

  174. Santa doesn’t give presents to kids who use toilet paper.

  175. Santa doesn’t give presents to kids who use toilet paper.

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

    That’s brilliant, Pup.

  176. Good morning ladies.

    Time to sober up…the wife gets home this afternoon.

    Well, maybe just one more cocktail….

  177. Morning, Sox.

  178. Honey, an old Dutch proverb says “Beware: You become those you hate.”

    And that’s why grandpa is wearing your Garanimals and playing with your toys.

  179. “Well I woke up Sunday morning,
    With no way to hold my head that didn’t hurt.
    And the beer I had for breakfast wasn’t bad,
    So I had one more for dessert.
    Then I fumbled through my closet for my clothes,
    And found my cleanest dirty shirt.
    An’ I shaved my face and combed my hair,
    An’ stumbled down the stairs to meet the day.”

    – Sunday Morning Coming Down

  180. No, junior. “NAMBLA ” just stands for our new youth soccer league. They hand out trophies.

  181. Your tears are made of acid and if you cry, they will eat your face.

  182. Running with scissors means you are very brave, Timmy.

  183. Susie, I know you have your first test at school today and you’re probably nervous but just remember what I told you.

    Always cheat off the Asian kids and never, EVER cheat off the coloreds.

  184. Honey, this meth isn’t going to cook itself. Stop crying and take a deep breath before you pour the Drano in. One-Mississippi, two-missi…

  185. Cuffy knows just little too much about how to cook meth. Just sayin’

  186. “Timmy, I’m sure you are not the only boy to spend the night, naked, in the camp counselor’s tent. Now butch up Nancy, your butt will feel fine by tomorrow.”

  187. Susie, I know you have your first test at school today and you’re probably nervous but just remember what I told you.

    Always cheat off the Asian kids wear your shortest skirt and never, EVER cheat off the coloreds wear panties.

    FTFY

  188. While you’re in here taking your bath, use this toaster to make some toast for mommy and daddy.

  189. Remember, never make fun of handicapped people. Unless they fall down or soil themselves.

  190. The world is made up of very different people, each with their own special talents. And you’ll discover your special talent one day, most likely behind the bus station.

  191. Son, I hear you’ve been getting bullied on the playground. The next time the bully starts picking on you, tell him that you’ll lick his wee wee if he leaves you alone.

    That always works.

  192. Some toys are better than others, Timmy. You like Wolverine, don’t you?

  193. Sweetie, girls scare fish. That’s why Jesus hates you.

  194. No, hon, “bukake” is Japanese for “Let’s bake a cake!” Put on your apron.

  195. The next time you get called into the principal’s office for having drugs, rather than keep them in your pocket like a dumbshit, shove them up your ass. They probably won’t look there.

  196. Sure honey, wearing body glitter is perfectly acceptable in the third grade.

  197. Here some construction paper, glue and a string. Make your own fucking shoes.

  198. Son, we put shag carpet in bathroom for a reason. Now get down and scoot around like Rex. That’s it.

  199. I thought I told you to clean your plate? EAT THE BONES TOO!!!!

  200. Son, if you don’t cut your nipples off by the time you turn 5, you’ll turn into a girl.

  201. Before you turn 13 you should hitchhike across the country while you can still order off the children’s menu.

  202. If everyone else in your class said they were jumping off a bridge, would you? *squints eyes, crosses fingers* pleasepleasepleaseplease

  203. Sure you can meet that MySpace guy in a hotel sweetie.

  204. Every 14 year old boy should wear “Daisy Duke” shorts to school at least once

  205. Every time you cry, God kills a little puppy.

  206. Always keep at least an once on pot on you at all times.

  207. once = ounce

  208. Honey, the gift of imagination is magical and should be cherished. Here’s your Wii.

    *hands over white spray-painted Pong console with one sticky controller*

  209. Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers. – Homer Simpson

  210. When Uncle Freddie says you “make his pants tight,” he’s saying you’re a good cook.

  211. I’ll raise your allowance when you starting going on more than 12 “dates” a night.

  212. *hands over white spray-painted Pong console with one sticky controller*

    Hahahahahaha.

  213. Honey, if you really want to be a ballerina, you should be doing this every night down at “Jugs & Suds”

  214. Of course you can take Mommy’s “hand massager” collection in for Show & Tell!

  215. To the morning contributions:

    HAHAHAHALLOLHAHAHAHALOL

    Going to church (it’s 6:32am). Keep going you guys are hilarious.

  216. *hires clown for 3rd birthday party*

    http://tinyurl.com/3z93em

  217. Your night-light is out? Here’s a fork, check the outlet.

  218. Some advice about snakes:

    Red touching yellow, my what a fine fellow!

    Red touching black, Jesus still hates you.

  219. How many times do I have to tell you? No Jaeger bombs till you finish your beer.

  220. Remember: if at first you don’t succeed, there’s always handjobs behind TitleMax.

  221. You are what you eat.

    Now finish your goddamned dog shit.

  222. Because YOU can’t be tried as an adult, and I’ve got 2 strikes already. Now put the ski-mask on and quit crying.

  223. The early bird gets the worm.

    That’s why Uncle Freddie is always staring at you from the foot of the bed when you open your eyes in the morning.

  224. Remember to check your private area every morning. As long as no hair grows down there, you’ll be okay.

  225. Bambi’s mommy should have shut her whore mouth and fetched The King of the Forest a sandwich.

  226. Here, go bite the dog with grandpa’s “robot teeth.”

    *dumps soaking dentures in his lap*

  227. *points at TV*

    BECAUSE ‘OL YELLER DIDN’T PICK UP HIS TOYS EITHER!

  228. Hahahaha. You two are killing me.

    Here, go bite the dog with grandpa’s “robot teeth.”

    Hahahahaha. That’s one of the funniest sentences I’ve ever read.

  229. Remember when Dumbo’s mom went crazy and they had to take her away and chain her up?

    Same thing.

    Now go tighten your Mom’s ball-gag, I can still hear her whimpering.

  230. You got a ‘B’ in Trigonometry?

    Well, the world needs waitresses too.

  231. Put. Down. That. Cup. Juice is for closers.

  232. Now stop crying. You’ll have fun with your new babysitter and mommy and daddy will be back in a few days or months.

    http://tinyurl.com/c43cdu

  233. The burning feeling means it’s working.

  234. If you wet the bed again, God will kill mommy.

  235. Monsters only eat the kids who don’t listen.

    *whispers inaudibly*

    Nighty night…

  236. Monsters only eat the kids who don’t listen.

    *whispers inaudibly*

    Hahahahahaha.

  237. When you grow up and become a hip-hop star, it’s always appropriate to register at the hotel under an assumed name. Yes, TittyFace Jenkins will not give you away.

  238. No you can’t play the clarinet! What are you, some kind of faggot?!?

  239. No one will think any less of you if you visit IB once in a while.

  240. COBRA doesn’t cover dental, so hold still while I dig that bad boy out.

    *opens pocket knife*

  241. I made your Kool-Aid for you. It’s in a bottle under the kitchen sink.

  242. O/T:

    http://tinyurl.com/62h3wq

  243. Plead guilty. 3 to 5 in Juvie will make a man out of you. Think of the street cred you’ll have when you get out!

  244. Tuck and tape that evil flesh like I showed you…it’s ruining the line of your skirt.

  245. “Here he comes
    Her comes Speed Racer
    He’s a demon on wheels
    He’s a demon and he’s gonna be chasin’ after someone.

    He’s gainin’ on you so you better look alive.
    He’s busy revvin’ up the powerful Mach 5. “

  246. Spray-on tans are cool. Now go get Daddy and Mommy’s special “juice” out of my gym bag. http://tiny.pl/bjb4

  247. Pupster, I love that nuclear clown.

  248. Chief, why the Speed Racer song?

  249. “I’m not saying I’ve been everywhere and I’ve done everything, but I do know it’s a pretty amazing planet we live on here, but a man would have to be some kinda fool to believe we are all alone in this univers!”

  250. Rosetta opens a barber shop — http://local.yahoo.com/info-21379565-cardinal-barber-shop-palo-alto

    Read the reviews.

  251. Read the reviews.

    So as long as the haircut is good, men don’t mind being fondled by some old Cuban guy?

  252. Heh

    Positive: OK Hair Cut
    Negative: Guy’s frank and beans on your elbow

    What’s amazing is a lot of the reviewers still give him 4 or 5 stars.

  253. Pffft, my haircuts only cost $20 and i don’t have to put up with an old man dry humping me. Gerardo.

  254. Heh. The first boobies I ever got my hands on was when I got my first haircut by a chick. I was about 12, and she kept resting her chest on the arms of the chair while she was checking the bangs. On both sides. A lot.

    After the first time I turned my hands palms up under the cape.

    *touches doll in chest area*

  255. Yeah, i had a dental hygienist that was mighty generous with the boob rubbing. It was a sad day when she moved to another city.

  256. *eats entire bag of Oreos*

    *checks phone book for Dental Hygienist named Shirlena*

  257. I was 8, first girl I tongue kissed, and I only liked her cuz of her boobies.

  258. I love the oreo’s dentist joke, ever since I was about the same age I touched boobies, I thought it was funny.

  259. Actually back then, she didn’t understand a boys infatuation with boobies, and thought it was just some strange novelty (she was older than me, and yes she had boobies, she was an early bloomer) she was more uncomfortable with the kiss than she was with showing me her boobies, and letting me feel her up.

    She had some problems later that I had to go all wickedpinto’y on and she called me and my friends.

    She was a good girl.

  260. Rosetta opens a barber shop

    -5: Frotteurism / Sexual Assault

    Hahahahaha.

    When I had hair, the barber that I went to used to put on the hand massager and rub your neck after the haircut. He also had a collection of Penthouse magazines which was sweet.

  261. about ten years later, man, this is shit I’m dredgeing up from the past.

    One of my friends was friends with this girl who kinda liked me (nothing happened then or later) and we had this guy who was a national cross country racer.

    It was her sweet sixteen, she got drunk, and coke isn’t that rare here, especially among the athletets (pushes you through the matches, or the last bit of effort, also makes you crazy, when I wrestled my source would say no, if I was going to a match or a tourney, “WHAT!” I would say “Cuz you’re crazy”, when a dealer tells you no, you have an issue)

    Anyways, it was her sweet sixteen, and my buddies and I were her friends and had older contacts so we could deliver the booze, not just “some beer” but actually a menu of specific booze we were like honored guests.

    “Where’s angie?” my best friend asked randomly, She went off with ritchie (thats how his name was spelled R.I.T.C.H.I.E. and it wasn’t a nickname, it wasn’t richard, turned into RITCHIE, it was just plain RITCHIE, no shit)

    we didn’t think anything of it, that was all cool, ritchie was a decent enough cat, so we didn’t think anything of it.

    Jerry went to take a piss, there was only one bathroom in the house, and he walked pass the master bedroom (don’t bother asking what genius puts a master bedroom on the upper floors, or the only batheroom, I don’t know) and my best friend Jerry comes running down to tell me and another friend, “I think I heard someone screaming in the bedroom.”

    “sure?”
    “is this a scream? *scream* Yeah I’m sure you retard!!!” or something like that.

    The three of us run up the stares, the door is locked, the fat guy thinks he can bulldozer through, he can’t cuz he was an idiot, I kick the door a couple of times and it comes loose, and my best friend boar races into the room.

    what followed was not pretty.

    The three of us took turns covering our hands in blood, and helping our friend get dressed from her mothers closet.

    We didn’t keep her from getting raped, but we kept him from getting off.

    I hate remembering that.

  262. On another note, my mouse died out (fourth in about a month) so I don’t have a roller wheel on this one.

  263. He also had a collection of Penthouse magazines which was sweet.

    The barber that my dad took me to when i was a kid had Playboys. Can’t remember the last time i saw a skin mag in a barbershop.

  264. I remembering visiting her later, she always dated older guys, not 2 or 3 years older, but like 20 or 30 years older.

    She was always kinda needy, but I wonder if that experience made her hunt down a sugar daddy so she need never deal with men again.

    I and a few others, were her friends, and there were some strange situations, and she is/was a beautiful girl. (not so hot now, kinda plastic hideous last I saw) No fair.

    Never smart, but always nice, pretty much after that, she was broken.

  265. FUCK! I just remembered how her dad would kinda sorta stalk my mom.

    FUCK! I had a fucked up life.

  266. Rosetta, would it be too bold of me to ask for a new thread. A brand spanking new thread. A thread so new and pure, light shines from its bottom?

  267. Rosetta, would it be too bold of me to ask for a new thread. A brand spanking new thread. A thread so new and pure, light shines from its bottom?

    Ask and you shall receive, my dear.

  268. If you’re gonna be a slut and get pregnant, you’ll have to change your name to Pajama Mamma.

  269. And I’m the asshole?!!!

    BTW PJ has ben the vessel of only one ceminal contributor.

  270. Brad you were service, and you know a lot of guys who said to them selves . . . this MY? child, look at him.

  271. brad, my best friend is a decent guy, he’s an IDIOT but a good guy, and all three of his children were born to women that were married to other people.

    Like I said, idiot.

  272. a number of years ago I heard about the fat pig friend going all “stephen hearst” (inside reference) on a girl, I took his gun from him and beat him senseless. ” I will kill you” he said, “You have the gun” I responded” after giving him backe his gun a number of minutes later.

    I really needed to reign in the crazy long before now.


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