This is the first time I’ve lost a fake internet friend. And you know what? It doesn’t feel fake. It hurts me to lose cranky just as much as if he was my neighbor. I guess one difference is that now I’m never going to be able to meet cranky, shake his hand and tell him how much he made me smile. I know he knows all that now but I’m sad that I’ll never get to meet him.
To start with, we all owe a great deal of gratitude to PattyAnn, Steamboat McGoo, Vmax, xbradtc and expecially eddiebear for their efforts in trying to figure out what happened to cranky. Thank you guys very much. If there was anyone else that helped, I apologize for leaving you out but thank you. The answer was terrible but at least we know and we can properly pay tribute to cranky.
A good place to start is that cranky was first, and mostly, an Air Force guy. Those experiences molded him and made him the person that he was. For better and for worse.
He struggled quite a bit with some of the things he had to do while serving our country and it seemed to me that he paid a high price for that service. There were things that happened that he wouldn’t ever talk about in detail but those things burdened cranky’s heart and gave him demons. So we all owe cranky an eternal debt of gratitude for giving so much of himself to protect us and the freedoms that we all enjoy.
Cranky was an excellent writer and an excellent story teller. If you never read his posts about his military stories, you need to treat yourself and read this one. He could have written a best-selling book. This post is long but it reads like a novel. I think writing about his experiences was good therapy for him.
Cranky wasn’t married but he did have a girlfriend. Jessica Simpson. Man, he fucking LOOOOOOOOOOVED her. Haha. So here you go, buddy. Here’s one of your favorite pictures of your lady.
I don’t know where cranky found this video but I first saw it when he posted it. It’s one of the funniest videos I’ve ever seen. cranky was the most un-hip-hop person I’ve ever known. Hahaha.
Last year, bmac put up a post about numbers stations. It was fascinating and it caught Cranky’s attention. Cranky had a little experience with radio communication while he was in the service but he got the bug again after reading bmac’s post.
Last August, cranky got his ham radio license. He planned to volunteer for the Military Affiliate Radio System (MARS) which is a Department of Defense program run by the military where civilians assist the military with communications as an adjunct to normal communications. Cranky’s call sign was KJ4FQE.
I told cranky that he should do a ham radio call-in show and that I would call in and say insane things and yell at him and stuff. Hahaha. I told him that it would be a big hit and that it would attract a huge audience. I think he told me that it was the dumbest idea ever and that I was an idiot. Hahaha.
I would have loved to have heard an actual broadcast from radio cranky.
We first came across Cranky when I did a bleg for our doggie Kramer’s cancer treatments, summer 2007. I really hadn’t seen much of him before that, but he emailed me with his story about his beloved poochie Nala, and how Nala had the same type of cancer Kramer did. He contributed to the cause, and we became fast friends. Cranky was a big time dog lover, and really bonded with Mrs. bmac.
In fact, those two emailed all the time, and when Nala died, Cranky was crushed. Mrs bmac found a golden retriever, (he loved his goldens) at a rescue in Alabama online, and told Cranky to go check it out. He did, and came home with his beloved Jessie.
Cranky always left some weapons grade zingers for the trolls at my blog, he just didn’t give a fuck, and I loved him for it.
I’m gonna miss that cantankarous fucker.
They were his life and his greatest joy. All children should be treated as well as he treated his dogs. They were his babies. It breaks my heart to think they now are living without their daddy. I know they must miss him terribly. A few posts on his dogs…
cranky liked music and would occasionally post a song that he liked. 9 out of 10 times he did that, it was this song.
cranky also liked jokes. He probably posted 100 jokes on his blog. THIS was one of his favorites. Especially when pajama momma was involved.
cranky also liked to pick on me for some reason. Bastard.
Here is a poem cranky wrote for me:
Hahahahaha! I love that.
The Best of Cranky
Cranky was an accountant. His thread killing skillz reached legend status when he started posting comments with detailed FASB rulings on depreciation. That used to fucking crack me up. He was the best thread killer in history. I remember a couple of times if a thread was sucking, someone would say “Man, I wish cranky would show up and kill this fucker.” And a couple of times he would show up two minutes later and post an accounting rule. Hahahahahaha.
If you don’t already love PattyAnn, I demand that you start. She spent what had to have been hours going through the blog and compiling these. They are the best of cranky’s comments from the Hostages, pretty much context free which is even funnier. This all makes me smile…
Wicked, you ain’t posting enough. What are we gonna have to do, start visiting Ace, IB, or Kevlarchick to find out what’s going on in the world? Don’t even think about linking to that link whore Mesa.
Maybe it is lost in the translation but we’re talking about one squirrel not an Army division. Of course, it is a Nazi squirrel so who knows.
Damn muscle relaxants relax everything. IYKWIMAITYD.
Michael is pissed at Muslims, again. Called one of them a “dickwad.” Shocking, the language he used. Shocking.
NiceDeb, I was in the service from the end of Vietnam in the summer of 1973 until my retirement in 1997. Never been in a war zone we were engaged in, got to “enjoy” the Turkish invasion of Cyprus in 1974 from the base they launched their air attacks from. No attacks by the Greeks or Cypriots on our base, just Turkish aircraft coming back shot up and crashing. The Turks, however, continually tried to steal our vehicles and supplies. They’d shoot near us at night and then claim they were shooting at a dog. Nice people.
US Air Force. I had a break in service so it was just more than 20 years active duty. I have even reached the point where I can dispose of my old uniforms (you have to keep them until you reach what would have been your 30-year mark because you’re subject to recall) not sure what I’ll keep and what I’ll donate to the Airman’s Attic on base, sort of a consignment shop. My jungle boots are going with me in my casket, though.
I’m sure taking calculus naked will help your grade if you have a heteronormative instructor or a lesbian or a man-lesbian. Sand not necessary. Nice buns BTW. I will not perv online. I will not perv online.
Is that all anyone around here thinks about, nipples and lady bits?
You know turtles have a wide stance. Maybe that’s what Turtlebutt stands for.
Oh, and Obama sucks donkey balls. With his wife. In Tijuana.
crazy cranky’s weenie? I thought this was Heap Abuse on Bart Night?
Comment by mesablue on August 9, 2008 3:04 am
Heh, there’s about a thousand Patels in the Chicago phone book.
You sure must have a lot of hotels in the Chicago area.
Comment by Rosetta on August 9, 2008 1:02 pm
THIS was my favorite Victoria Secret model in the 80′s cranky.
Was she from Victoria’s Secret Pie Shop and Cheeseburger Emporium?
(From Worst Crayola Crayon Colors)
Obama, John Edwards Paternity Suit Purple, Gangrene Green
Ass-fault black is a repeat Master Chief.
PattyAnn is a garters and hose kind of lady.
Fantasy Bill O’Reilly Interview circa 1974:
O’Reilly: So Airman Cranky, what are you doing out here?
Amn Cranky: Guarding the fucking motor pool.
O’Reilly: I blame Big Oil and gas guzzling SUVs. I’m looking out for you.
Amn Cranky: What’s an SUV?
O’Reilly: They don’t exist yet but they will and they will be bad. Got any questions for me?
Amn Cranky: Ever wonder what it looks like when a 3-round burst of 5.56 mike-mike hits an entertainment journalist in the nuts?
Amn Cranky: If you don’t get the fuck out of my face you Long Island dick smoking pussy you’re going to find out.
Fucking Saget sucks donkey balls.
A few years ago some kid from New Jersey asked that a certain song be played at this funeral. His buddies found the request in a uniform pocket after he was KIA. Breaks my heart.
Look at them Kerry Marie sausages! She could break tire chains with those fingers.
Welcome back wiser, maybe this place won’t be so gay-centric anymore.
Those words and that name just work so well together.
Actually that should have been addressed to Rich before he went for his next proctologist exam.
Rosetta, were you one of the lesbians riding the pink tank? If so, you’re one ugly lesbian.
Hey! Porn movies Kerry Marie has starred in: Two Mules for Sister Sara.
Comment by pajama momma on August 18, 2008 10:56 pm
Bunch of women and homo haters who love big boobs and Thai tranny hookers. I pure hate them. My guess is Bart. I’m guessing that guessing isn’t your strong suit.
Dude, I can smell the foul odor coming from your exposed armpits in that wife beater you’re wearing across the entire fucking internet. Cover it up. The planet is dying from that smell. You’re killing the planet. Kill yourself, we beg of you. Asshole.
I loved Sitting On The Dock of the Bay. What a great, great song. Thanks Sohos.
It’s dark here in the spam trap. HELP!!!!!!!!!1111!!!!!!!!!!
Rosetta, you’ll get what I send you and be happy for it.
What the fuck is it with ABC and ESPN and sucking the cock of The Annoying Annoited One? College Gameday preseason show and the talking head makes a point of stating the Ohio State’s coach is saying something Obama says in his speeches that was said by Martin Luther King Jr., about ‘now is the time’. Give me a fucking break and wipe the jizz off your chin Hair Boy.
Comment by sohos on August 27, 2008 9:19 pm
you know Chelsea looks just like her Mother
Well, I was going to say that was mean, true but still mean, but some homo/lesbian beat me to it. I’ve been spending my work days in lovely Troy, Alabama, commuting back and forth to Montgomery. Fun drive in the downpours we’ve been having. Nothing but sunshine today, however.
And MCPO, I ain’t black or a fag. DiT or Rosetta I can’t speak for, but hand waxing and back shaving are apparently two things they like to do together. Think they’ve gotten personal grooming pointers from Bart.
If forged rite’s email address was <a href=”mailto:email@example.com”>firstname.lastname@example.org</a> he wouldn’t be having these problems.
Rosetta, you liked this girl — it would have been hard to go wrong with her but you did and presented us with the worst BBF girl EVAH. Way to phone it in gaywad.
Porn movie titles from Czechoslovakia:
Milena Velba in Strap-on Warriors: The Czech Is In The Male.
Maybe I am the oldest old fart around these parts.
I am not much of a Catholic, lapsed doesn’t do justice but I know God exists and that His Commandments must be obeyed. So while I not go to Mass or make a Confession I otherwise take the Commandments very seriously. It has been years since I took the Lord’s name in vain. So other than not keeping the Sabbath I’m doing pretty good at remaining in the Does Good column.
The most important Commandment is Thou Shall Not Kill. Abortion is killing. It is killing of the innocent. There is no greater crime. Obama thinks it is okay though, even if the baby is aborted alive. Obama is in favor of killing the baby. Forgetting any other issues, that right there is reason enough to vote for McCain and Palin.
Hope I didn’t kill the thread.
Bite me Chief.
compos, the flapper thing is an element of the flushing mechanism of a toilet. You’re familiar with toilets, correct?
Toni Basil is mrsbmac’s sister.
Good Lord but you folks stay up late.
DiT, Happy Belated Birthday. Go snort some coke off a dead hooker’s ass, down a quart of Val-U-Rite, and blow out all your candles [hurry, the smell of burning flesh is a turn-off]. Tell ‘em to put it on your tab.
Fuck Whoppi with Ted Danson’s junk, the Barbed Cock of Satan™, and a pineapple sideways like a screen door in a hurricane. Nice post fag.
Guess I should close the tags. FUCK SALT.
Nice one Rosetta the Racist. I laughed, I cried, I curled up in the fetal position.
Hey mesa, how did that Penn State versus Michigan thing work out for you?
Y’all are too kind. Really.
Thank you all for being a shoulder for me to cry on today. I know the worse part for me will be coming home and Nala not coming to the door to greet me. I’ve had six months to get ready for today and I never really got ready. I actually found comfort in what the senior veterinary student told me when we first went to Auburn. She told me we would fight the cancer so that she died of something else. We did and she did. I hope I can be as brave facing my end as Nala was in facing down hers.
Thank you to everyone that emailed me your memories and stories about cranky. And thank you to PattyAnn for pulling together the best of cranky’s comments. You did an awesome job, girlfriend.
So with that, let’s all remember cranky and smile. It’s comforting to know that he doesn’t hurt anymore. He gets to spend his days playing with Nala, baking bread and laughing at all of us.
We miss you cranky. Thank you for all of gave to our country and to your dogs. Thank you for bringing smiles to our faces and happiness to our hearts.
May you rest in peace with knowledge that you were loved and admired. You will never be forgotten.
beautiful tribute. RIP my friend.
Awesome tribute, Rosetta.
I can only hope that when my time comes, as it will for all of us, that I’m treated with the same respect and love for a friend as you folks have shown for cranky.
Godspeed and fair winds to all of you.
Rest well cranky.
Excellent job, Rosie, although I wasn’t expecting anything less.
I sometimes forget that you all are actual people out there on the other side of my computer screen, living and dying in 3/4 time, and losing cranky like this, without having a chance to say good bye, is a sad reminder of that.
He brought a lot of laughter to me over the short time I “knew” him and I hope that he is resting peacefully. He deserves no less.
Thanks for taking the time to do this Rosie. You are a good friend, sir. And thanks to eddiebear, Patty Ann, Wicked, Steamboat McGoo, vmax, xbrad and everybody else who showed great love and compassion in finding out what happened and attempting to minister to our friend cranky.
Thinking that cranky and Danny (Tourettes Guy) are playing a game of eight ball right now makes me smile.
When I go, feel free to post that picture of Jessica Simpson.
Comment by cranky on May 27, 2007 7:26 pm
Dude, what did the Dutch do to piss you off? Those people are fantastic and Dutch women, I mean damn!
Comment by cranky on May 27, 2007 8:35 pm
Bet you’d change your mind after some 6 foot 3 inch Dutch babe rocked your world.
cranky was amused by my (poor) predictions of celebrity deaths. cranky and I were also fans of Charles Lane, (the ‘old guy’ he had for an avatar for a long time that Nice Deb refers to above).
A comment from Nice Deb’s blog:
July, 23, 2007
Bart ought to make a prediction about this one’s life expectancy now. We can be pretty bold and predict he won’t make it to Charles Lane’s age.
Comment by cranky on May 27, 2007 7:07 pm
She is too a victim. A victim of capitalization and punctuation rules meant only to restrict her right to be stupid in public. Someone at Ace’s called her Pizza the Hutt. I believe she and al Sadr were separated at birth and looks more like Mookie than Jabba.
Michael I think he had stolen that from me. I knew he would love it.
Thanks to all here who have shown me this side of Cranky. I hardly knew him but know him now better through all of you.
You did an outstanding job Rosetta.
I am like BiW a newcomer who didnt know Cranky that well other than the occasional comments here and at Aces…
I guess this sort of takes fake internet friends to a different level…
I didn’t know Cranky, but that was a great tribute.
Brad I hear that everyday when someone says President Obama!
We need that soul man clip..with John Belushi dancing on the grave – that would be Rosetta!
As opposed to being an extra special bitch?
um, Spam Bucket Tender, if you would…
Muslihoon, you’re an emo.
If your aviator is supposed to be leftover palms from Palm Sunday’s mass, yeah.
I felt bad when I heard about Cranky. I didn’t know him that well, but I laughed at his comments and felt just a little closer, just like with all our fakey-innernet friends, when I found something in common. The more i read, the more I like him, and the more I wish I had known him better. I think it says a lot about a person when so many people who never even met him spend so much time compiling a thread like this- mainly so that those of us who didn’t know him could know him just a bit, and to relive the fun of being a part of something with him.
I hope he’s with his dogs and all his loved ones who went before him. I hope he knows that he touched a lot of lives, even if it was just for a moment of hearty laughter.
God bless and keep Cranky.
If a man’s greatness is measured by his friends…
incidentally, the “old man” in his av was a character actor named Charles Lane (I had to ask cranky, said “oh hell I know this guy”.
Cranky told me at one point Lane was an accountant.
So now you know.