Hi. I’ll be gone for the next week or so, on an extended, um, vacation or something. If you have anything important that you simply must tell me, I’d do it today. This is preemptive, but that baby isn’t mine, so don’t even think about it.
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I wrote this song this weekend for everyone on the blerg. All we need is a Remedy. And some funky, funky bass piano with a few smokin’ hot back up singers.
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Today’s model has cornered the market on fashion design and modeling of Cosplay . She regularly attends Comicon festivals in her custom designed outfits, shaking hands with her one-arm-strong army of fans. She was born way back in 1980, and got into Japanimation at the tender age of 9. Please welcome this week’s model…..Yaya han!!!!!!!!!!
This week’s fap fantasy cums from the great state of Arizona, and was born in 1990 (that makes her 21, but I still feel like a total perv). Her lab results came back positive for sexiness with an overall score of 34D-26-37. Please give a grool slick ovation to the girl with two first names…Christine Veronica !!!!!!!!!!11!
Herro. I wrote this song while thinking about a first love, a deep yearning to be close to someone from the past, and the heartbreak from having loved and lost. But mostly I was thinking about a really sloppy BJ from your mom.
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Today’s BBF model comes from a land far, far away. It is rumored to be filled with little people of very good manners publicly, but then like to pee on each other privately. In other words, the exact opposite of most of you wing nuts. Please put your hand together for one of the most popular AV models of the 1990s Ayumi Sakurai!!!!
This is my eulogy for Hotspur. No, he is not dead, may he have many more days of good health, chardonnay at the ghetto bar, and correcting my grammar. Go kick Wiser in the shins if you don’t like this.
I’m going to do this right and start it off with an appropriate song.
I thought about mentioning how old Hotspur was. There’s the jokes like “he’s so old, when he was born, the Dead Sea wasn’t even sick.” Well, he did grow up with William Wallace. See if you can pick Hotspur out of the crowd here. He gave Mona Lisa her smile. It was when she saw Hotspur nekkid. His first computer was an iAbacus. (Good thing he didn’t ship it to the New World via Scott, or he might still be unwrapping it.) He also met Davy Crockett and insisted on stealing his hats, which his friends thought was a great prank.
When he told his family he loved 15-year-old Scotch, his family thought he meant the drink until he brought home Hotbride. For those of you who haven’t been lucky enough to meet Hotbride, let’s just say Hotspur married up. She was very kind to me, considering I went all Hostage on Hotspur’s personal blog and made a comment about sweater puppies.
Hotspur has always been a hard worker. He lived in Battle Creek for a while, coming up with the classic kids’ cereals You’re Adopted Bran, Lice Krispies, CheeriHoes, Porn Flakes, and Post Lemon Party Crunch.
After that career ended, he began his home construction business, Hotspur Solutions!. That went well until The Couple From Hell™ showed up. These people put the hurt on Hotspur so bad, stock in Jagermeister went up $4 a share. Mrs. Satan wanted “just one more change”, and Hotspur just snapped. Then Mr. Satan started bitching about how Hotspur should have used hickory instead of ash for the shovel handle, and you can guess what happened next. The trial was sensational. With BiW calling the shots from afar, Jazz volunteered to be Hotspur’s lawyer and somehow got Carin, Leon, MCPO’s son, and Pendejo Grande on the jury. (You say, but wait, Pendejo lives in Texas. Pendejo will do anything for the right amount of booze.) XBrad was also supposed to be on the jury, but he was busted for running cheap cigarettes to Canada. The Hostage team successfully freed Hotspur with “they needed killin’” defense. He kicked the prosecutor in the ass with dick slippers on the way out of court. Hotspur’s later customers would bring him a bag of money and then disappear. “Let us know when you’re finished. Please. Sir.”
Hotspur grew more and more restless each day without people to abuse him, until the fateful day when Rosetta said, “I need Bloody Mary mix, potatoes (non-ass variety), Kwanzaa candles, Snausages, a shock collar, rubber gloves, lime, large garbage bags, ten white pine seedlings (raaaaacist), sixteen cartons of cigarettes, Vermont maple syrup, the entire Buffy DVD set, a toupee, a case of Fat Tire beer, a turducken, a batch of homemade brownies, tiki torches, and a girl in a bikini.” Hotspur jumped up and yelled, “I got the girl!” He sailed off in his boat
and was never heard from again.
Now we mourn the loss of someone dear, a loving husband, a brave rescue diver, and an art connoisseur. Someone who made sure the tagline matched the header, someone who once tried snorting coke, but the ice cubes got stuck in his nose, someone who once put a KISS tape in his grandson’s Teddy Ruxpin doll. The only other Hostage besides Rosetta not afraid to wear a skirt. I never did get to tell him how much I cared for him, how much I enjoyed his company in St. Louis, and I never got a chance to do that research we talked about, space environment effects on slightly used rubber fists, with and without lube.
We will remember him how he wanted to be remembered:
If Sean can go public with rehab, I should be able to deal with my own small personal reasons for leaving you all for a while. Way too many awesome people met and relationships made over the last five years. Love you all.
It’s a big holiday weekend and I wanted to create a post just for me and a few of my closest friends. If you are stuck at home or have chosen to stay out of all that holiday traffic, make yourself another cocktail, hoist the American flag, and loosen your swim trunks for BBF.
Some of you may be cooking out for the long weekend, so I did some research. I’ve studied up on this and have learned excactly how it is that men are so very good at barbequing. Heh.
Since music is so important to the atmosphere while picnicking, let’s listen to some cool shit.
If you can believe this, the voluptuously sculpted beauty for today is making her very first appearance here. I know!! I can’t belive it either!1! Our sweet lovely was born on September 30 in the not too distant past and like the scales of her birth sign, initially sought out a career as a laywer. But alas, and thankfully for us, she was bitten by the modeling bug and it took. She’s also appeared in a few movies like The Sorcerer’s Apprentice and a few of the Matrix flicks, and several others that you’ve probably never watched since they’re in Italian.
Born in Città di Castello, Italy, she is a 5’7” silky fox. Her measurements, 36-25-36, are all natural just the way God intended. She fluently speaks Italian, French, and English, and is semi-fluent in Spanish. She’s smart, unlike you, and fearless: (NSFW)“I’m not scared by nudity, because for me, nothing is more beautiful than a body. You can have such an amazing emotion from a body.”(NSFW) Is it getting hot in here? Yes, yes it is. With absolutely no minimum alcohol consumption required, here’s a gorgeous MILF for Friday, July 1, 2011, Monica Bellucci.
Imma gonna help you get some of those smarts that Ms. Bellucci has:
*1596 – An English fleet under the Earl of Essex, Lord Howard of Effingham and Francis Vere captured and sacked Cadiz, Spain.
*1874 – The Philadelphia Zoological Society zoo opened as the first zoo in the United States.
There’s nothing I don’t like about this. From the name of the band, to the title, to the song itself.
Seeing as how I can’t understand what’s going on here, I honestly don’t know if any of the lyrics in this song are offensive, so if someone requests this at your daughter’s wedding reception, it’s not on me.
Also, you might not want to invite me to your daughter’s wedding and/or the subsequent reception. Seriously.
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