Fuck Sadness! Get Awesome Instead!

Fuck depressing shit. Dedrofuck it with a rotten tree branch until a sapling sprouts out of your goatse. I never want to be around sad people. I want to be around fucking winners. Yeah, sometimes it feels as though life has you stuck in the bottom of a port a potty after a chili eating contest, but don’t ever fucking give in to the sadness. Tell it to get fucked, for you vow to defeat it with awesomeness.

And, my friends, this is awesomeness to absolute zero and back.

Racial Tolerance, MSNBC Version

Look, I am not a fan of Michael Steele. I think he has been a poor RNC head at best. But his race is not an issue. I wish I could say the same for MSNBC, who seems to take a dim view of minority Republicans.

Yeah, well fuck you, asshole. Normally, I would blow a comment such as that off, but given how every time a non-Obot burps, people such as Loony Larry ramp the idiot meter to 11, I say fuck them. Fuck their arrogance and condescending attitude regarding minorities and how they should vote. Fuck them for being such fucking intellectual cowards that they refuse to see that maybe, just maybe, some people can think for themselves and refuse to fucking stay on the race hustling plantation you and your fellow goatfuckers have constructed for them.

In fact, Loony Larry, why don’t you go ahead and say the same thing you said about Michael Steele to this guy. Go ahead and fucking see how long you’ll last, you fucking pussy.

Yeah. I thought so.

Need Any More Motivation?

Here you go:

Or this:

Fuck them all. Fuck them so thoroughly, a Howitzer could pass through their anal orifices without touching the sides. Fuck them for the past two years. Fuck them for what they have said and done. And revengefuck them with the colossal conquestcock of comeuppance because the fuckpunching thrust upon them will make their tears of defeat taste better than a woman’s pleasure.

Four weeks left until Judgement Fucking Day, lefties. Get your assholes ready, for it’ll be a long, hard, and painful ride.

Bloated Balloonicus Friday

Greetings and salutations, fellow dicklickers, assfisters, roustabouts, loafers, fucknuggets, shitstuffers, and all around fans of XBrad. Welcome to another Friday of Fuckitude, as we all gather ’round the ass assfern and give thanks for that which makes our country great. That’s right, the love and appreciation for the female form in all its engorgred and unobtainable glory.

That’s right, fucksnuffers. It’s the Friday the 13th edition of Big Boob Friday, and you all can join in on the fun with the same vigor I have when laughing at the left eat itself whole and turn on each other. Seriously, making fun of the left and Obama as they fight each other makes me even more determined than ever to see their smug faces wiped away this November as we do this to their electoral fates:

Anyway, enough of the political bullshit. Thinking of the left makes me angry, and you won’t like me when I’m angry. So, to calm our nerves and excite ourselves, let’s meet somebody special. Somebody Canadian (for that exotic foreign flair). Somebody who loves to dress in very tight outfits, proclaiming to the world that she is proud of the gifts Mother Gaia gave her, as well as the marvels of latex as it relates to the human body, and get paid to do so in the photo and video realm. And anybody who disagrees with me needs to get treated to a round of spiked goatse for their sins.  She has some measurements, but since she is not one of the usual BBFers I am certain you will forgive me as I don’t give a shit about numbers as we all gaze at the awesomeness of Ms. Bianca Beauchamp. Fuck yeah!

At least she doesn’t need a forklift to get around.

And just to clarify how awesome Bianca is, let’s go to the video replay to confer:

Anyway, now it’s music time. And if you don’t like what I like, you probably like stuffing wet donkey asses. So let’s leave it at that.

Oh, and lest I forget, some fucked up fuckingness happened on this date:

• 1415 – King Henry V of England’s army lands on mouth of Seine River and helps France kick off a multi century losing streak and trigger the only piece of Shakespeare that military officers, football coaches and office managers all recall.
• 1521 – Spanish Conquistadors capture Tenochtitlan (Mexico City) from Aztecs and trigger massive diarrhea outbreaks that would make Compos stand up and salute.
• 1624 – Cardinal Richelieu appointed Chief Minister of France by Louis XIII, leading to a fight with a candy bar.
• 1651 – Litchfield, CT founded, and Humpbacks rejoice.
• 1704 – French & Bavarian forces were routed by a combined British, German & Dutch army at Blenheim, Germany. Stupid fucking French.
• 1792 – Revolutionaries imprison French royals including Marie Antoinette, after her junket to Spain to tend to her grieving friend and avoid her husband’s poll numbers.
•  1846-A Joint Expedition led by CDR Robert Stockton seizes Los Angeles, CA. Generations of peace, harmony, and culture follow.
• 1876 – Reciprocity Treaty between US & Hawaii ratified, keeping pineapples free from the Commie Menace, and up Pendejo’s ass where they belong.
• 1906 – Cub’s Pitcher Jack Taylor ends a string of completing 202 games (187 complete, 15 relief) by Dodgers in 3rd inning. Those Cubs! Will they ever be stopped?
• 1926 – Fidel Castro is born, forever ruining my chances of getting a kickass cigar and causing Harry Reid much identity politics angst.
• 1961 – Construction of the Berlin Wall begins in East Germany. Good thing moderation and conciliation to the Commies was the great idea.
• 1997 – South Park’s first episode is aired, revealing what I was like as a child.

This weekend, I plan on taking my daughter to the pool one last time before she starts Kindergarten, and cooking for my mom and dad. And fuck anything up their feeble fuckholes if they think they can get in my way.  At the same time, double fuck with a fistuled side of fucksauce anything or anybody who thinks they can own me, for I can never be own so long as I refuse to let it happen. But before I go, one more for the road:

Okay, someone needs to confess.

Which Hostage is this?

IMPORTANT UPDATE [PA]

MCPO is running for the school board!

Vote!

Is this real?  Sort of.

Big Boob Friday™

Hello tubby and welcome to Big Boob Friday.  I saw a couple of ants in the kitchen earlier this week so I called Orkin.  Here is an actual picture of who they sent to spray my house:

I feel like busting some old skool today so here’s a classic.  Also, word to your mother.

Your BBF BFF for today is making her second appearance on this esteemed page but it’s been a while so you probably don’t remember her because you’re stupid.  She was born on March 15th, 1983 in Puerto Rico but currently lives in Texas despite the proximity to Dave.

She’s a short-stack 5’4″ and weighs a bacon-friendly 140 pounds.   Pick 3 Lotto?   41-28-38 with a cup of three D’s.  In celebration of baseball’s opening week, please give a warm round of applause for your model for today, Friday, April 9th, 2010, Sharday!!  YAY!!  Let’s play with two!!

POP QUIZ!  True or false.  On this day…

* in 1649, James Scott Duke of Monmouth, bastard son of English king Charles II, was born.

* in 1691, French troops occupied Mons.

* in 1850, composer Herman Zumpe was born. He wrote “My Zumpes“.

* in 1905, J. William Fulbright (Senator-Democrat-AR) was born.

* in 1926, poor unlucky loser Hugh Hefner was born in Chicago.

* in 1953, “TV Guide” published its first issue.  What was that?  A pamphlet?  There were only two or three channels back then, Stupak, you idiot.

* in 1954, actor and cool guy Dennis Quaid was born in Houston.  He seems like he would be a fun guy to hang out with and not some douche.  HERE chicks.

* in 1963, Sir Winston Churchill was proclaimed an honorary U.S. citizen in a White House ceremony.

* in 1965, the Beatles “Ticket to Ride” was released in the U.K.

* in 1971, Olympian record setter Wang Yang was born.

* in 1972, the U.S.S.R. and Iraq signed a friendship treaty and then went to Dairy Queen and shared a sundae.

* in 1977, Dick Pole and Ed Balls signed a friendship treaty and then rubbed lube all over each other.

* in 1979, Keshia Knight Pulliam was born in Newark.

* in 1981, the U.S. sub George Washington rammed the Japanese freighter Nissho Maru nice and hard like Nissho Maru likes it.  Whore.

* in 1998, country singer Tammy Wynette died from a blood clot at the age of 55.

We are supposed to have great weather here this weekend so I hope it’s nice in your neck of the weeds as well.  I have no real plans which is nice as that allows me more time to think of new ways to make fun of you.

Have a great weekend and remember, anything that’s fun with pants is more fun without.  Cheers!  Ed Balls!

I Got Yer Valentine Right Here, BITCH

Here’s one for all of H2, where the H stands for wHore!  Yeah, the W’s silent, unlike your dickaholic mom:

Have some Samurai Sausage and STFU:

A pork sword surprise

 ♫ You’re no vein, I’ll bet you think this card is about you . . . ♫

Listen, you faces of douche.  This year, try to give your significant other something besides the crabs, a near fatal case of insecurity, and the knowledge of what bitter disappointment feels like.

And if you can tear yourself away from fucking that stapler long enough, try to remember

Entrepooneurs

After Mesa moved down to Texas and started a new business with The Count, that gave Rosetta and Wiserbud (and their silent mute and ar-tarded partner, Wiser) an idea…

Let’s just hope for everyone’s sake that there are no workplace injuries.

Update (“Known as ‘The Rat’”):

[UPDATE: Rosetta]

The Hostages join the army, day 1.

Hah! Beat This! (No, Not That Type of “Beating.” Cut That Out, Rosetta! Not In Public!)

All of you, kindly refrain from speaking, forsooth!

Or: Shut The Fornication Up, y’all!

Behold: Plastic Water! (Trust the Japanese to come up with something like that.)