Mediawhoreman: Charlie Sheen

What the hell; we need the blog hits anyways.

Too bad John Cleese is your typical smug brain-dead leftard douche…

…’cause this is actually funny.  (couple of old jokes mixed in, but hey, he’s old.  I’m sure they sounded new to him when he thought of them.)  I believe he originally posted this on his Facechimp page, which I can’t link, not being a facechimper myself, but consider it duly credited to its original author

ALERTS TO TERROR THREATS IN 2011 EUROPE
By John Cleese

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.”    Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s Get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.”    The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.”    Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.”  They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is canceled.” So far, no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

John Cleese – British writer, actor and tall person

Happiness Is Funny Friends

While I have been in Thunderdome with El Goutcho the last couple of weeks, you have all been very kind and supportive with comments of encouragement, advice and general stupid bullshit which I very much appreciate.

On Friday I received a relatively large box from Connecticut, home to a disproportionate large number of hosefuckers.  It took several hours to open as it contained every packing material known to man.

“Surely the contents of this magical box must be incredibly fragile, delicate and rare!”, I thought to myself.  Not only is what I received rare, it is the only one of its kind that has ever existed or ever will exist in the history of time.  Please allow me to share the contents of the box with you.

Christmas funneh

You know the emails that get forwarded over and over?  Well, I hope to bring you some funneh you haven’t seen before and maybe a classic or two.

Some mood music…

Lauraw?

Pupster?

Dick?

Wiser?

I’ll be hitting the highways tomorrow (and probably the bottle shortly after), so let me wish all of you a Merry Christmas.  Call me if you need bail money for indecent exposure, lewd behavior, or being drunk in public. For some of you, that means putting me on speed dial.

SMOOCHES UNDERNEATH THE MISTLETOE!

Who Wants Mushrooms?

Since after about three comments, most of the threads here seem to devolve into recipe discussion or something on par with that, why not have an audio-visual description of how to cook some mushrooms from a Japanese performance artist?

Fuck Sadness! Get Awesome Instead!

Fuck depressing shit. Dedrofuck it with a rotten tree branch until a sapling sprouts out of your goatse. I never want to be around sad people. I want to be around fucking winners. Yeah, sometimes it feels as though life has you stuck in the bottom of a port a potty after a chili eating contest, but don’t ever fucking give in to the sadness. Tell it to get fucked, for you vow to defeat it with awesomeness.

And, my friends, this is awesomeness to absolute zero and back.

American Exceptionalism

Normally, something this idiotic would not even warrant a mention, especially as it comes from Karen Tumulty, one of the Beltway Intelligentsia. I was going to ignore it until I saw this today, in light of World AIDS Day.

Yeah, guess what country has given the most money and help to fight AIDS in Africa. Hell, even uber douchebag Bono can see the writing on the wall:

“Even people who are snide and snarky about the United States of America have to admit that millions and millions of lives have been saved by American taxpayers,” Bono told Fox News’ Bret Baier during an interview with the lead singer and the former president taped at {former President George W}Bush’s Dallas, Texas, office.

That’s fucking right. No fucking other country on the fucking face of the fucking earth would fucking donate zillions of dollars to fight a scourge such as AIDS on a continent far away and not blink an eye. Put aside any social commentary about AIDS, and what you see in the fight that Bono and the U.S. have started shows our fucking exceptionalism. What you see is the willingness for a free people to expend money to help people far away, and not utter a peep. And what you fucking see is how generous the American people are. And this shit Tumulty pushed really fucking pissed me off.

Yes, Karen Tumulty, America is an exceptional place. America is the only country that can and will lead to preserve life, liberty, and the fucking pursuit of happiness around the globe. Only America will be willing to save zillions of people around the fucking globe to fight anything that threatens said goals listed above. And only America, that Shining City on a Hill, will do whatever can be done to make sure that people in other parts of the fucking world that we will never see might have a fucking chance to live, and utter nary a significant peep in protest. And what is truly pathetic is how you fail to see what good arises from us saving the world.

So fuck your snark, Karen Tumulty. Fuck your inability to see how a free nation is indeed exceptional, as contrasted to the dictatorships that have done jack fucking shit to help out Africa. Fuck your cocktail circuit for thinking along your lines. And furyfuck with the flying fuckeagle of freedom’s claws anybody who agrees with your decree that America is not exceptional. Why don’t you fucking live in an oppressed state, just so you can fucking see what it’s like to have no fucking chances and report back to us?

So get fucked, Tumulty, and go and see how exceptional we are from the outside.

Pushing down my own poat

with random silliness I found today.

Can’t compare to this

Its Good To Know That Some Brits Don’t Care For Jane Austien Either…

I watched this last night.

First Jane Austien slam was when he first introduced the Lexus.  The second when he was chasing the M3.

Freaking awesome.

Hornet’s Nest of Stupid

In my efforts at detox I checked out ThinkProgress today and I couldn’t help myself.

HERE’S the post.  If you’re logged into WordPress you should be able to comment if you want.

The liberal freakshow is on full display there.  Enjoy.

This will help to prepare you intellectually.

*

[SUPERFUN UPDATE from that comment thread]

EugenDebs 3 minutes ago in reply to Rosetta

More STUPIDITY that Rush told you to think about liberals. GOD but you are stupid and pathetic. I make more money than you will ever see. We know that you only get pocketchange blowing those crackheads at the bus stop. Too bad you are too STUPID to do anythng else for a living. You should be in prison for molesting the little boys in your nieghborhood.

Hahahahahahaha.  I LOVE that shit.