I’m not used to losing. Arguments. Fights. Debates. Business. Money. Political battles. Contests over biggest moobs. I like to win and I’m pretty decent at it but on election night I lost BIG. I know we all did. And it sucks giant donkey dicks.
If you would have told me that Mia Love lost and that was all you told me, I would have known that it was a terrible night for our side. Her losing probably made me more sad than any other contest besides the big daddy. I have a complete and total crush on her and I think she’s outstanding. The good news is that we have not heard the last of her, being that she is an older white male which is what we’re all about.
Election night, in a haze of initially-celebratory-but-ultimately-pain-killing Jägermeister, I was despondent. I didn’t obviously feel much better when I woke up the next morning. Defeated. Shaken. Scared. Sad. Normally I wake up pissed off for no reason but I wasn’t even pissed off the next day. Just numb.
In 2008, as a country we chose a 4-year experiment with socialism. Of course the liberals don’t call it socialism because they’re pussies like that but it is what it is. Whether you “hate niggers” or you’re in favor of “promoting white pride”, it’s the same side of the same fucking hate-coin.
And those two examples are as equally destructive to this country as socialism. The problem is that the racist bullshit is universally derided as destructive to the country whereas socialism disguised as Democrat populism seems like a good idea to 51% of the country. So we have another 4-year experiment with socialism. New and improved with less restraint!
It’s hard to put into words the shame I feel for the national Republican party and the Romney campaign. I like Rinse Pre-Bus because he’s a brawler but the majority of the GOP establishment needs to be taken out to pasture. We own the morally and mathematically correct argument for God’s sake! We cannot as a party make that case to voters?
The Democrats will take us to Greece on a flaming train full of of food stamps and free ironic birth control pills for ugly women like Sandra Flute (This one time…) and the left doesn’t even hide that fact any longer. Life’s not what you thought it would be? Awwww come here and let government make it all better.
I am ashamed of Republicans generally because fewer of us voted for Romney than voted for FUCKING JOHN MCCAIN AND HE FUCKING SUCKED as a candidate. And Obama was a blank canvas in 2008. This year he’s a canvas soon to be covered with the blood of Israelis, the little discretionary income the middle class has left, the carnage of yet another recession and grass stains from the fairway at Augusta. And we lost to that. Shameful.
I held out hope that conservative principles of freedom, liberty and free enterprise alone would prevail but I think it’s time to put those on the back burner for a bit. Not forever forgo promoting those important principles but if we don’t start to win Presidential elections, principles mean as much as a pocket pussy at a wiserbud lemon party.
There is a relationship that conservatives share with libertarians and it’s time to consummate that relationship if we want to save this country. Before election night I don’t think I would have agreed with the following things but we’re not in Kansas anymore, Toto.
It’s time to recalibrate and accept the fact that the approach Reagan used to beat Carter and Mondale doesn’t play any longer. The party of Santa Claus (thanks Rush) is on the rise and we need to stop it. The best that I can come up with at this point are the following remedies.
The Democrats are pussy-footing around these issues anyway so I think the GOP should just go balls-to-the-wall with them. Whatever collateral damage and unintended consequences there are will be less than the wrecking ball of perpetual liberals in the White House.
(1) LEGALIZE MARIJUANA - I don’t mean just for “medicinal purposes”, I mean for recreational use by anyone over 21. Sell it wherever people buy hard liquor and tax the shit out of it. This will accomplish three things.
(A) It will save the country money by not imprisoning non-violent losers and it will get rid of some drug dealers and the associated crimes. Yes there will still be drug dealers selling 8-balls and ground-up horse cock or whatever the kids are snorting these days but I don’t think they have the same customers for the most part.
(2) It will raise tax revenue.
(D) It will encourage a segment of the young Democrat constituency to either vote for the GOP or be so wasted that they’ll stay home and play video games and eat Cheetos rather than go out and vote. I don’t smoke weed but I’m positive it’s better for Tushar than drinking half a bottle of Jägermeister which, by the way, is not pretty.
I don’t know if this would lead to stoned-driving deaths but let the MOBS (Mothers Opposed to Bong Smokers) organize and make a big deal about it. And I’m sure that hitting the bong on a regular basis doesn’t cause any sort of cancer whatsoever but if it does, the Feds will splatter a skull and crossbones on every bong and New York will ban you from smoking it in your own apartment. Welcome to our world where government totally sucks dude!
(2) MAKE LEGAL IMMIGRATION SIMPLE. Republicans should have done this 15 years ago. If you want to come to this country and work so badly that you’ll risk your life to do it, you are my friend and I welcome you. This country manages to license a shit load of pimply-faced 16-year-olds to drive 2-ton death machines every year. I’m sure we can figure out how to license and monitor the same number of immigrants.
There needs to be a protocol of having a verifiable job, not breaking any laws for 5 years and reporting to an immigrant-worker office on a regular basis. If you do that, pay income and social security taxes for those 5 years and pass a language and citizenship test, you’re a citizen. I also like this idea because FUCK YOU UNIONS.
If immigrants want to serve in the military, they get the same deal but in 2 years rather than 5. And it should be a federal law that you get no welfare at all during those 5 years. Come and work or stay home.
(3) GIVE $50,000 TO EVERY AFRICAN-AMERICAN OF VERIFIABLE SLAVE HERITAGE. If 40% of the black population fits the bill it will cost maybe $800,000,000,000. That’s a shit-load of money but we are paying twice that now every year for entitlements and welfare. I know that all poor people aren’t African-American and that not all African-Americans are poor but fuck it. The Democrat party is paying reparations surreptitiously anyway, the GOP needs to step up and atone for the original sin of our founders and give whining agitators like Spike Lee his 40 acres and a mule so he shuts the fuck up and we all move on.
In addition to proving heritage, the $50,000 would be contingent on completing a 1-week course on how to start your own business and you not being in prison. If you’re in prison y0u’re already getting free shit for doing something bad to someone else so shut up. This would hopefully empower African-Americans to take ownership of their own lives and become part of the American dream of working hard, building something you love and being prosperous because of your blood, sweat and tears. Not because some asshole gives you a fucking shitty phone. An entrepreneur is my brother regardless of color.
(4) HEY SINGLE WOMEN: If you will agree to pay for your own contraceptives and abortions, the Republicans will agree to beat the shit out of any Republican nominee for any office that even resembles Todd Akin. I don’t even know what to say about this other than I agree with Ace’s thoughts a day or two ago on the topic which were spot on.
He’s pro-choice and I’m pro-life but on this we agree: talking about legitimate rape, the female body’s biological mechanisms for preventing pregnancy in the case of rape or that God intended you to carry your rapist’s baby is fucking ridiculous in the extreme. You’re a politician running for state-wide office and you can’t think on your feet better than that? What the fuck you idiots? I’m pro-life and I find those comments offensive. IDIOTS!!
Liberals pander to constituencies because Democrats thrive on the soft bigotry of low expectations. If you’re young, a Latino, an African-American or a
vagina single woman, the Democrat party pats you on the head like you’re a fucking retard. Vote for Democrats and they’ll throw you some bone because they think you’re a mongrel that will be content with the bone they throw you.
Republicans have never been that way and I don’t think we need to be that way now but it’s time to accept the new reality. We need to step up our game and show people who think the Democrat party is their only home that they need to re-consider. Conservative, libertarian powers…ACTIVATE!
It’s one thing to preach to your choir. It’s another and now more important thing to bring new people into your choir so that you can preach to them and I think that’s what we need to do.
I don’t think it’s a betrayal of conservative or libertarian principles to adopt any of those ideas in the Republican platform. Doing so may be an affront to the traditional view of America that I know a lot of conservatives including me still hold dear but the world is changing. We either change or become extinct.
Also, your mom stole $50 out of my wallet last night. Whore.
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