Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today, on this POS blog, to commemorate the life of Cyn. Welcome to those attending via webcast. If you could all put your iphone 78 on vibrate, that would be helpful. Thank you in advance, nice people.
Cyn grew up as a poor little white girl, in the deep south, but this 100% true fact did not stop her form reaching her dreams. As a little girl, sitting beneath the sheltering boughs of a walnut tree, she would gaze out over the dilapidated tenant farm, and envision herself as a conquering hero. Little did she know that she would achieve these goals in the most unlikely ways.
Cyn faced many challenges in life, most notably being abandoned by her parents because of her penchant for using the word penchant. They hated her uppity vocabulary, and dropped her off at the nearest orphanage after her fifth birthday. St. Daneesha’s Home For Wayward Gurls would eventually foster her competitive nature, leading her to achieve many of the goals set before her.
After moving on to high school, and graduating at the top of her class, Cyn chose Moorehouse College to continue her studies. It was here that she first fell in love with bacon and the many tasty things that can be done with it. Working late nights in the Institute for Bacon Enhancement, she developed the ideas that would later lead to her dominance in the pork, and pork related industries.
It was at this time that she caught the eye of her future wife, former President Sarah Palin. Ms. Palin was a visiting student from a nearby college in Alaska, and was intrigued by the prototype of Bac-O-Gum™ that Cyn was developing.
Please take a moment, in silence, to envision Sarah and Cyn with disheveled hair, lab coats unbuttoned, a pencil tucked behind Cyn’s ear…Sarah leans forward to adjust Cyn’s glasses, as they’ve been slipping down her nose…their eyes lock for a moment, and Sarah leans forward…
Um, Amen or something.
As most college romances go, so did that of Cyn and Sarah. They lost touch, but as you know from reading Cyn’s autobiography entitled, “Going Rogue, and by Rogue I mean Down on Sarah Palin,” they would later reconnect.
Cyn spent the next 15 years conquering the pork industry, that was ironically controlled by a consortium of muslims based in Saudi Arabia. It was with ruthless abandon that she cornered, leveraged, bought out, and destroyed her competitors. Prince Ali-bin Ali-Mustaffa Mohammed Ali bin Jihad Mohammed bin Nasser bin Matt Damon would later concede in an interview with Charlie Gibson that he had never feared a competitor like he had Cyn. He would go on to explain that her addition of pepper to bacon while it was cooking was so revolutionary that he literally handed over his business to her out of sheer respect. Charlie Gibson then replied, “Cyn? Never heard of her.”
Following the one term presidencies of both Barack (SCOAMF) Obama and Mitt (SCOAMFINO) Romney, the election of Sarah Palin brought peace to the world and the seas finally began to recede. Once perfect harmony was established, Cyn felt the need to profess her undying love to the President, which was quickly reciprocated. Todd, the perfect beta male, gallantly stepped aside, clearing the way for Sarah and Cyn to claim their love. In a beautiful ceremony in DC, Cyn and Sarah were married, ensuring that the United States of America would be forever known as the hottest, most dominant country on the planet.
Cyn’s life with Sarah has been detailed through their reality show, “C&S do T&A” so I won’t recount their many adventures here. Just know this: she lived a full life. Mostly full of rendered pork fat and lesbianism, which is the greatest life one could imagine.
Cyn is survived by her adopted daughters Bristol, Piper, etc. I don’t really remember the rest of them. She leaves her bacon and Palin related holdings to St Daneesha’s in the hopes that some other poor little white girls will get a break in life.
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