Sunday Salsa, Witzelsucht and Inaniloquence

BiW was talking shit about his homemade salsa yesterday.  I laughed in his face because it is a scientific fact that my homemade salsa is the best in the galaxy and will kick the girly ass of his salsa.  HERE is my salsa.  HERE is BiW’s salsa.

Then, out of nowhere, it’s fucking feldspar PattyAnn shows up and tells me and BiW to shut our whore mouths because her homemade salsa will take a giant rubber fist to our salsas and make them her bitch.  Then she buried a shiv in BiW’s neck and shot me in the leg.

Hahahahahahaha.  I love that picture.  I stole it from that jackass Pupster.

So here are all three salsa recipes.  Make one, make all and enjoy.  There are few things better than fresh salsa in summer.  Sex with Heidi Klum is one of those things but that’s not as easy to get as fresh salsa.

BiW’s Salsa

A blender
9 Roma tomatoes
Fresh cilantro
Scallions
A large sweet onion (Walla Walla, Mayan or Vidalia)
2 fresh limes
Minced garlic
Cholula Sauce
 
Combine the following in a large bowl: tomatoes and onion, cut into large chunks; two bunches of scallions, sliced halfway up the stalk; the cilantro, stripped from the stalks and minced; two Tbsp. of the minced garlic.  Mix.
 
Pour the mix into the blender, a litttle at a time, and blend on pulse until you have poured the entire bowl into the blender.  Not the actual bowl, dummy.  Just the stuff in the bowl.

Cut the limes in half, squeeze the jews into the blender, spinkle with Cholula to taste and blend evenly.

You can spice it up however you like.  I have used crushed red peppers and fresh ground white pepper before.  Jalepenos and chipoltes are also recommended.
 
Let sit in fridge for at least two hours before serving.  If you store overnight, it will increase in intensity.

Nine out of ten mexican baby jesuses sat up and said "More Please!" in perfect English.

Fin.

Musical interlude.  I thought about this video the other night and started laughing so here, you laugh too.  Mesa will probably say he posted this a year or two ago but he’s full of crap.  Potato wave.

Rosetta’s Salsa

3 – 4 medium red tomatoes, cubed
1 medium yellow tomato, cubed
1 large red bell pepper - roasted, skinned* and chopped
1 medium Vidalia onion
2 - 5 minced jalepeno peppers, depending on desired heat
1 handful of fresh cilantro - remove from stalk and chop
2 1/2 Tblsp. red wine vineagar
1 Tblsp. minced garlic
3/4 Tblsp. sugar
1 Tblsp. olive oil
Juice from 1 lime

Put all that crap, in the order listed, into to a big bowl.  Mix well.  Taste and adjust to your liking if necessary.

Cover with Saran Wrap and refrigerate, overnight if possible.  Drain off excess water and enjoy with tortilla chips and 9 shots of Patrón silver tequila while listening to THIS song.

Ole’!

* To roast and skin the pepper, core and quarter it.  Put the pepper, skin up, on a cookie sheet and broil in the oven until the skin blackens.  RACIST!!!  Immediately place pepper in a ziplock bag and seal.  After 10 minutes in the ziplock, you should be able to easily pull the skin off unless you fucked something up.

You know what goes well with PattyAnn’s salsa?  Fish dog meat silk.

PattyAnn’s Salsa

1 Jalapeno
2 Tblsp. fresh lemon juice
1 tsp. garlic salt
2 Cloves garlic
4 Sprigs fresh cilantro
1 Red onion
2 Tomatoes

Chop everything until it’s the consistency you like and then mix together.  Use 1/3 of the jalapeno for mild and the whole jalapeno for hot salsa.  If you’re a crybaby, use tongs to handle the jalapeno and remove the seeds.

There you go.  Make all three and then report back on your favorite.  The two losers will be waterboarded with the winner’s salsa and then killed.

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