Today is March 21st. In addition to being the second day of spring, it’s the birthday of resident jerkweed clown puncher, Dig Dug. DD is relatively new to our family but he fits in well because he’s a sexually confused and socially retarded asshole with too much time on his hands.
You know very little about Dig Dug because you’re a moron. However you may remember one of the first comments that DD made here. Something along the lines of him saying that he’s recently been masturbating but stopping prior to the big payoff.
In addition to that being way, WAY too much personal information, it was fucking hilarious. It started a deluge of mockery along the lines of “Dig Dug likes to go to the movies but leaves before the end” and “Dig Dug bought a new car but never went to pick it up”. Hahahaha. I don’t know why those were so funny but they were.
Anyway, here’s some other interesting trivia about DD that you should know.
1) He was born in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio-gogogoch, a small Welsh village on the island of Anglesey. Ironically, he was born with the smallest sexual organ in recorded history.
2) Dig’s parents were gypsies so he never really had a home other than the covered wagon in which they traversed the countryside. Here’s a picture of Dig Dug, age 3 with his family.
3) Dig Dug was beaten up a lot as a little kid because he suffered from cornu cutaneum disease which made him look like a gay unicorn. Unfortunately for DD, that was before looking like a gay unicorn was cool.
4) Despite losing his hearing from repeatedly jamming butt plugs into his ears, Dig Dug likes music. He likes to dress up like a girl and listen to this song.
5) Actual true fact: Dig can solve a Rubik’s Cube in under 5 minutes. Because I couldn’t solve a Rubik’s Cube in under 5 years, I find that fact both impressive and gay.
6) This is a verbatim quote from Dig Dug:
“I once spent a year volunteering as a mentor in a YMCA youth-at-risk program, and eventually stopped because I realized that these kids’ main problem was that they were assholes. I think that’s when I started becoming more conservative.”
Hahahahahahahaha!! If you didn’t like DD before reading that, you should like him now. That’s excellent.
7) DD is learning to speak Arabic so he can conduct the only interrorgation technique approved by Obama which is saying to captured terrorists, in a moderately loud voice, “GO COUNT YOUR DICK IF YOU WANT!!11!!”
8) Dig Dug is also a volunteer fireman. Here he is surveying a fire scene.
9) Birfday boy shares his birfday with the following muhfuckas: Johann (real name: Joanne) Sebastian Bach, architect Albert Kahn, rich guy John D. Rockefeller III, famed sports commentator Howard Cosell, lame James Bond actor Timothy Dalton, excellent crazy guy actor Gary Oldman, sappy milquetoast actor and husband of THIS Matthew Broderick, and that fat ugly whining liberal bulldike idiot cow Rosie O’Donnell.
If intelligence was hair, THIS would be Rosie O’Donnell.
On the Bad Day for Jews Scale™, Dig Dug’s birthday rates a 2 out of 10. The only bad thing I found that happened to the Jews on this day happened in 1349 when 3,000 Jews were killed in riots in Efurt, Germany.
My drink is empty so I’m wrapping this up. Happy Birthday, Dig Dug!! I’m glad you found this circus and that you hang out here as frequently as you do. You’ve given us plenty of laughs and you’ve been a great addition to our joke threads.
Thank you for your service and I wish you the best year of your life so far. You deserve it for the sacrifices that you make for our freedoms. Cheers to you my friend.
And no one else better have a fucking birthday for at least a week. If there is another birthday sooner than that, that person is going to have to have the H2 Birthday Stick of Pain surgically removed from his fucking ass.
Have a good Saturday, boys and girls.
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